A Series of Confessions: O me, O my...

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.


Well in spite of "not having anything to post at the moment" I will post something.: A reflection if you will and a prayer. I had finished reading a book two months ago called O me of little faith by Jason Boyett. Also, in chapel on my campus there was a great speaker/pastor. He had spoke on counting trials, pain, and our "thorn in the flesh" pure joy. These two sermons with the addition of the book have caused me to think again. To think about how we as Christians who grew up in the church could be so hypocritical, lukewarm, cynical, and outright doubtful of things. I am one of those Christians; I am a bit cynical; I have doubts at times; I struggle and fail. Yet dispute all of this I am still Loved by God, one of His children, and a Christian. I'll put it this way, I am a passive-aggressive rebellious child of God, who every once and a while needs a reminder of the fact of the matter is still a Christian. This is kinda one of the reasons I want a Tattoo, but until that day comes I have been writing on my wrists with pen: on the left it says "Forgiven" and on the right "Loved". This allows me to see them and be reminded constantly that I am Loved and Forgiven by God and I am his; especially during the "face-palm" situations I have. I need to remember that I am a sinner saved by grace or how my pastor put it today in church, "I am a recovering hypocrite." 


So in light of that last paragraph over this past school year I have noticed some trends in my life and here are some of the findings. I find that when I am in a routine, getting enough sleep, low stress, and so on I tend to be a better person. I tend to deal better with people, and not be fake. I hate being fake, it makes me feel like I am an actor playing this character rather than a human being, living and breathing outside of the theater. It takes Shakespeare's quote "All the worlds a stage, And all the men and women merely players:" to a whole new  level. I almost feel like the actor in me never turned off. I have also realized that when I don't get sleep and I am stressed, I don't spend time with God and if it is is mediocre at best. At this point I start  depressed, cynical, and for lack of any other term, "Blarg." I need the very friends I push away and shut myself in a dark place away from others. I then feel alone and unwanted and unloved; I start to compare myself to who I want to be or to others and become a shell or a ghost of who I am and who I want to be. 


I Deal with these feelings of depression, being unloved, alone, and unwanted even in a room full of friends or people I know. I am human, broken and afflicted living in a broken world and both it and I have been marred by sin. Yet there is Redemption and Reconciliation. I am not alone at all; I am not unwanted or unloved. For One can never be too high to not need salvation and love nor can one ever be too low to receive salvation and love.


Dear Father,


You are great and mighty, you have laid the foundations of the earth and are the "cosmic-glue" that holds everything together. You know my heart, my deeds, and my thoughts and yet you love me anyway. Thank you for that. Thank you for your Son and that he died but also raised again that I too could be raised up and be apart of your Kingdom. I Pray for all those in the south who have lost their homes, loved ones, and livelihood. I pray for the pastors, allow them to care for your sheep there as you would. Please let the Christian Community rise up among these hurting people and show them Your love and Your Kingdom. "Lord, may Your Kingdom come and your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven," and may I be apart of your work.


Love, ME 

Tattoos and Taboos

So ever since this past summer I have wanted a tattoo, but not just any tattoo. I want one that has meaning and truth to it; one that is for me and not others as a constant reminder. I want one of the (biblical) Hebrew words for "forgiven". I am thinking about getting it in white ink on my left wrist. Now I bet everyone is asking something along the lines of, "What and why?". Well Forgiven because that describes what I am and who I am in Christ. Hebrew, well, because it looks cool, has a deeper meaning that way and people will ask what it says if they see it. White ink because it looks like a scar on the wrist reminding me what Christ went through for me to be Forgiven.

I was talking to my good friend Kaitlyn over Christmas break and she too wanted a tattoo. She wanted a wrist tattoo that stated "Reason for Everything". I found out this past week she got it; she just went out and got one. I am slightly jealous but not of the actual tattoo. I am more jealous of the freedom and ability to get a tattoo.Yes, it is my body and I too am free to get a tattoo but in my life there are a couple reasons why one like myself would not be able to get a tattoo. I am a Christian who is becoming a music teacher, or at least that's the plan. In some Christian circles it is taboo to have a tattoo or get a tattoo after becoming a follower of Christ. In addition some ministries will not hire you or use you if you have a tattoo or if you can not cover the tattoo. So whats the big deal some people ask well its the whole the body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and we are to conduct ourselves as such. As for the Teacher part it is harder to get a job as a teacher if you are not professional looking and that includes no visible piercing for males and no visible tattoos. It goes along with the I have authority over you and I dress professionally and act this way to show that I deserve respect and that I am your teacher.

I do, however, think its stupid to judge someone for having a tattoo and for it to be taboo for a Christian to have a tattoo. I understand the professionalism that is required to be a teacher and am okay with that.  I dress like a teacher now, well most of the time. I am "conservative" to the modern culture and probably don't come across as someone who wants or even has a tattoo. But really people  So I am planning on waiting till a break or graduation to get one as a "gift" or rather a reminder to myself. The whole point of my tattoo is that it is for me and a reminder to me, because there are times where I feel Horrible and am just need truth where I can see it at all times. Therefore I think getting it sooner rather than later would be a better idea, I just don't  know when I would get one so it could heal properly and such especially during the summer I am a Lifeguard. I need to just wait and see what happens, and i need to choose to get it, if I get it, when I am emotionally stable and clear mentally.