In the Company of My Mind

May I just off by saying Happy Guy Fawxes Day Everyone...

"Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot..."

But now on to real topic of this post is really about and the the real cliche quote to begin this blog post:

“Thinking is the greatest torture in the world for most people.” -Author Unknown

 Its so true, whether or not the person hates to think, reason, and/or if they are are afraid of thinking, it is a very true statement of America and the Western culture. There is so much sensory input from all the technology and and the more ADD our culture is we "need" or rather want people to think for us. That way do not have to exercise our brain, or even grow up at times... but now i am rambling and ranting and not getting anywhere.

We as a people myself included cower at the thought of being alone with our thoughts especially when we need to think through something or something hard comes into our lives. I am guilty of this i will play music, write a paper, read a book, blog posts, anything to not be alone with my thoughts. Last night i roamed the halls of my dorm doing anything to avoid going to my dark room and lying there alone, besides my thoughts and my then sleeping roommate. I held conversations about anything, sang happy birthday to someone's mom and just went till i could just fall asleep in seconds of hitting the pillow. This pattern has continued through the day. I do not have an outlet or a reason yet for me to cry but every once and a while I well up but cannot cry, even though I want to desperately. I think this will all end when my grandpa has gone home to heaven and I can come to terms with reality and what has happened. It will be a bittersweet happening but it's part of life. I don't know what to do and I am so afraid of sitting in the dark with thoughts, thoughts that won't stop or leave me alone. Thoughts that eat away at the core and cause me to question everything. Thoughts which no one who is grieving or knows they will have to deal with. Yet here I am, alone in a dark room with my thoughts both in my head and on my computer screen.

The only things that are keeping me sane are as follows:

1. God
2. The Bible
3. Friends
4. Music
5. Blogging
6. Prayer

Without those in my life I DO NOT know what my life would be like, nor do I want to think about that, but it probably be worst and painful. I hate to end this post like this but this is all i got and all I can do today.