Hugs and Home Wanted...

"If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
But it's getting oh so hard
To spend these days
Without my heart" -Relient K

As usual I have started with a quote, how cliche; o well. But this is how I feel; I am just so out of it,

So I have come to the realization that I have three or four "homes" but no home or a place to call a home. I feel like the man from the movie The Terminal, a man with country  recognized by anyone just living in a terminal of an airport waiting to go on with my life and have a home again. Let me explain, I went "home" for thanksgiving to be with family and returned "home" to school.  Over the Thanksgiving break I went up to camp my "home" away from "home" and had fun. Yet, I have no home to call home. If I am not making sense and just rattling on I apologize but this is what is going on. I find I only have one true Home, that is Heaven, and I wish I was there so badly away from this horrid place called earth, the shadow of what it should and could be. Yet I don't have the heart or the will power to do anything to speed up the trip to home; I am a wuss and care to much about those who I would hurt if I went Home. They do say that the home is where your heart is, and mine is in fifty different places and my mind in a million more, the only place my heart is and longs to be is Heaven and it is getting hard to live this heavy heart and yet living without it at the same time. I spent a night over a friends house where it seemed like their life was "perfect", now I know no one is perfect but I wanted that feeling of the family, that I kinda wished I always had when i was younger and I moped for a while.Ugh!

The best way I can express this frustration is by this:

I am a cesspool of emotions, contradictions, and hurt, 

Love, hate, hope, lies and worth;

Fighting for a way out, but no way is found.

Thus it just tosses and turns and causes distress,

Sleepless nights, self-pity, and stress.

Sleep come to me and let me dream this away,

Till this storm passes or forever and a day.

 I just wrote this; wow, I haven't written poetry in forever and I feel slightly better now. I want to love and be loved but want to be shallow and not open up. I want to be part of a group but separate myself. I am that guy who anyone can talk to about their problems but share my own, who tells himself he is a part of the group even though he feels like he is on the outside looking in whether or not he is, and the guy who wants the spotlight but wants to be left alone, who wants to stand and yell and curl up on the floor and cry.I am the guy who is what he is and accepts it, and wouldn't change a thing and yet wants a different life.

I want to express all I am feeling but everything can be put into words or I just won't let them out yet. I am taking it day by day, but I will say this " I want my mommy!" and I need a hug.