I have started three post in this series and i have a problem finishing them. I find it hard confessing my thoughts, past problems in my life because of me and outside forces beyond my control. I have been churched my whole life growing up in a Baptist Church tradition where I learned the "great Christian Facade." I am guilty of "not caring" of what others think about me, well to a point. I am too used to playing the good little Christian boy part, and i feel sick of it... I want and long for being real, true, and transparent with a community of believers. I just have not found a group of that level yet, so until then i will try to be transparent to a point with some people. I had a couple groups of guys i could be real with in my life but they have come and gone. I have a mentor of sorts which has helped but I am looking for a core group of friends I can be real with for once with out scaring them off, or them "disowning me." Which bring me to the reason, the deepest reason I hate confessing who I am and what I have done, the fear that wreaks havoc in my soul and will haunt me till the day I die or am called Home: The Fear of Abandonment and Being Alone. There I "said" it. Its a start, of the slow process of change. I have changed my look by shaving off my beard and cutting my hair, its almost poetic in cutting off/removing parts i want to leave behind in the past and leave the baggage that goes with it there. I will re-open old scares on this process to allow them to heal. I will be real to a point and I may write posts you will never see, but i will confess them before God and self. Until we meet again, here is a start of confessions:
I am :
- a white middle-class suburban male
- a child of a broken home
- a person who has struggled with depression and loneliness in silence
- a person who has dealt with sin on many levels
- a person who has dealt with uncertainty and doubt
- Loved
- Forgiven
- A Child of God
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