OK, So I'm still stalling but...

Yeah I'm stalling on the post i am and have been working on for a couple weeks now. I am doing so because I am busy and I am being careful with my word choices and what i say as to not add to the white noise that we call online social media and blogs. I am trying to be: real and reasonable; open and sensitive; gritty and true (in both senses of the word). So until I finish writing and editing what I am trying to say I postpone and stall. so rather than me add to the white noise here are links to good posts and articles I read this past week from other blogs which stood out to me.

Bri Dupree -Judging Worship: "How foul my worship must smell in the nostrils of God when I turn up my own nose at the ways others worship?"

Tim Gombis - On Thomas, Who Doubted: "May we, O God, by grace believe/and thus the risen Christ receive/whose raw imprinted palms reached out/and beckoned Thomas from his doubt."

Jason Boyett - Mumford and Christian Celebrities: "Let’s enjoy his art for what it is. Let’s stop worrying about high-profile Christians, stop obsessing about fame, stop hoisting the legitimacy of our own beliefs onto someone else’s powerful shoulders."

Sammy Adebiyi - The Gay Community and A Troll: WARNING: This post contains language that may be offense to some. If you are easily offended by language you may want to skip this article.

Tim Gombis - Paul's Politics of Exile: "American evangelicals would do well to consider how Israel’s exile shaped Paul’s conception of the church—his vision of a weak and vulnerable wandering people among the nations."

Brandon Ambrosino - Being Gay at Jerry Falwell's University: "It's a typical story, really. Boy meets girl. Girl goes to college. Boy follows her to college. Girl decides to date other boys. Boy decides that's a good idea, and also dates other boys."

An Open Letter to the Church from Lesbian Sister of Christ

In response to the debate going on in the USA Supreme court as well as the court of the public forum about homosexuality I want to re-post this post.

Reprinted from Original post by Hunter Baker

Please Read the whole letter to Understand

To the churches concerning homosexuals and lesbians:

Many of you believe that we do not exist within your walls, your schools, your neighborhoods. You believe that we are few and easily recognized. I tell you we are many. We are your teachers, doctors, accountants, high school athletes. We are all colors, shapes, sizes. We are single, married, mothers, fathers. We are your sons, your daughters, your nieces, your nephews, your grandchildren. We are in your Sunday School classes, pews, choirs, and pulpits. You choose not to see us out of ignorance or because it might upset your congregation. We ARE your congregation. We enter your doors weekly seeking guidance and some glimmer of hope that we can change. Like you, we have invited Jesus into our hearts. Like you, we want to be all that Christ wants us to be. Like you, we pray daily for guidance. Like you, we often fail.

When the word “homosexual” is mentioned in the church, we hold our breaths and sit in fear. Most often this word is followed with condemnation, laughter, hatred, or jokes. Rarely do we hear any words of hope. At least we recognize our sin. Does the church as a whole see theirs? Do you see the sin of pride, that you are better than or more acceptable to Jesus than we are? Have you been Christ-like in your relationships with us? Would you meet us at the well, or restaurant, for a cup of water, or coffee? Would you touch us even if we showed signs of leprosy, or aids? Would you call us down from our trees, as Christ did Zacchaeus, and invite yourself to be our guest? Would you allow us to sit at your table and break bread? Can you love us unconditionally and support us as Christ works in our lives, as He works in yours, to help us all to overcome?

To those of you who would change the church to accept the gay community and its lifestyle: you give us no hope at all. To those of us who know God’s word and will not dilute it to fit our desires, we ask you to read John’s letter to the church in Pergamum. “I have a few things against you: You have people there who hold to the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to entice the Israelites to sin by eating food sacrificed to idols and by committing sexual immorality. Likewise, you also have those who hold to the teaching of the Nicolaitans. Repent therefore!” You are willing to compromise the word of God to be politically correct. We are not deceived. If we accept your willingness to compromise, then we must also compromise. We must therefore accept your lying, your adultery, your lust, your idolatry, your addictions, YOUR sins. “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”

We do not ask for your acceptance of our sins any more than we accept yours. We simply ask for the same support, love, guidance, and most of all hope that is given to the rest of your congregation. We are your brothers and sisters in Christ. We are not what we shall be, but thank God, we are not what we were. Let us work together to see that we all arrive safely home.

A Sister in Christ

The Trinity: A Puritan Prayer/Devotion

THE TRINITY
from the book Valley of Vision 


Three in One, One in Three,
God of my salvation,



Heavenly Father, blessed Son, eternal Spirit,

I adore thee as one Being, one Essence,

   one God in three distinct Persons,

   for bringing sinners to thy knowledge and to thy kingdom.

O Father, thou hast loved me and sent Jesus to

     redeem me;

O Jesus, thou hast loved me and assumed my

      nature,

   shed thine own blood to wash away my sins,

   wrought righteousness to cover my

      unworthiness;

O Holy Spirit, thou hast loved me and entered

    my heart, implanted there eternal life,

    revealed to me the glories of Jesus.

Three Persons and one God, I bless and praise thee,

    for love so unmerited, so unspeakable,

    so wondrous, so mighty to save the lost

    and raise them to glory.

O Father, I thank thee that in fullness of grace

    thou hast given me to Jesus, to be his sheep,

      jewel, portion;

O Jesus, I thank thee that in fullness of grace

    thou hast accepted, espoused, bound me;

O Holy Spirit, I thank thee that in fullness of

     grace thou hast

       exhibited Jesus as my salvation,

       implanted faith within me,

       subdued my stubborn heart,

       made me one with him for ever.

O Father, thou art enthroned to hear my prayers,

O Jesus, thy hand is outstretched to take my

        petitions,

O Holy Spirit, thou art willing to help my

    infirmities, to show me my need,

    to supply words, to pray within me,

    to strengthen me that I faint not in

        supplication.

O Triune God, who commandeth the universe,

    thou hast commanded me to ask for those

       things that concern thy kingdom and my soul.

Let me live and pray as one baptized into the

     threefold Name.

A Series of Confessions: The Dark Side of the Heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioRrydp6FTI

I have come to realize, no come to accept and acknowledge that I am very much controlled by my emotions and the circumstances around me. I sometimes feel very emotional and those emotions, whether good or bad, control me; that is until I realize how ridiculous I am being.

This being said I have come to realize, accept, and/or acknowledge that this also effects my faith and daily walk with Him who created and saved me. I am very easily swayed or distracted from my personal walk. This actually causes a vicious cycle of life for me. I know my days are infinitely better if I am in communion with God and am fully relying on Him; If I am not in communion with Him, through prayer, scripture reading, and other spiritual disciplines, I end up becoming emotional, in a bad way. I become callused, hurt, depressed, angry, or some other emotion;,which leads me not to my knees but away from that and towards some destructive thing, or other and brings me back to the place I have left. The exact place I didn't want to return to. This starts the same emotions again. Then cycle starts over and over again but in a downward spiral pattern.

How sad it is. I will be on Fire for the Lord and slowly let it fade to almost nothing, then being kicked in the butt or smacked upside the head and change and to let the fire grow to a blaze again only to allow it to fade. It all starts with how much sleep and the quality of it, friends, stress, and other stuff taking priority over what really matters; it's quite sad actually.

And in those days where I feel like "God, Why do you love me? How Can You? I am so ugly, so dark, soon and so on... "

God Shines his light in my darkness and smiles on his child, "My child, my son. yes you have fallen, yes you still have to deal with your brokenness and your sin but i have forgiven you, washed you white as snow in my eyes for not only have i cleaned the slate for you i have thrown it out and its on the ocean floor forgotten."

On Major Changes, Changing Majors, & Trusting God, Part 1

It was during Break and it was an e-mail. An e-mail that held my fate, an e-mail that told me whether or not I was going to graduate on time, if I could continue on the path I had planned out for myself. I took a deep breath and clicked it open and it stated:

David, 

I regret having to write this email: but you did not make it through, not by a long shot. Your final percentage was 64%, and this simply isn't good enough to give you a decent chance in 2320... I'm sorry Dave, but you can't go on to 2320.

I apologize that I must be the bearer of bad news: but that is where we stand.

Best,
Teacher

Let's Rewind a bit: We all have dreams growing up of being a fireman, astronaut, actor, vet, or policeman, but very few of us ever keep one dream and switch around until the last moment... when we declare ur major in college. Even then we sometimes change our minds.We figure out our lives in High School now a days.

We plan out every detail of what college, major, job, where to live, how many kids, and so on....

That was me. I had made plans to be a Music Teacher, change lives through music like in Mr. Holland's Opus or Music of the heart. I didn't figure this out until the end of my junior year in high school when I decided to combine my two interest, interacting with kids and music.

I had been bugged by my mother since middle school to think of what I wanted to do with my life. She meant well because when it came to that she was on her own growing up. She had to figure it out without any help and she wanted to help. So she pushed me and well I made a choice and all the right doors opened. I picked my college and was accepted to the school but also to the music education program.

That's when i ran into a road block, the music major's weed out class: Aural Skills. Aural skills is also know as ear training is a skill by which musicians learn to identify, solely by hearing, pitches, intervals, melody, chords, rhythms, and other basic elements of music. The application of this skill is analogous to taking dictation in written/spoken language.

I Barely passed Level 1, took me 3 tries to pass level 2, and still needed to pass levels 3 and 4 to get my degree. This pass semester I was a passing Aural Skills III with a C-, and that is all I needed. Yet, it all came down to the final and I felt confident, since I got a 75% on the practice final. I walked out dazed and confused which did not help me in my sight-singing half of the final either.

So Then all I could do was pray and wait for the grades to come out. I had asked my professor to send me an e-mail telling me my grade before the grades came out.

And there it was, the e-mail just sitting there in my in box. An e-mail that held my fate, an e-mail that told me whether or not I was going to graduate on time, if I could continue on the path I had planned out for myself. I took a deep breath and clicked it open.

I just sat there, took it in, took a deep breath and then closed it. I now needed to figure out what to do with  my life next... and the saying rang true: "the best laid schemes of mice and men/ oft go awry."

Christians: Haters of All Mankind? Part 3

This is the last post in this series. And this one is a story, story about me, of all people, on my way to church Monday 1/2/12 for the bible study that started this whole series.
..............................................................................................................................................

I had just finished dinner and looked at the clock, it told me I had about 2.5 hours till the College and Career group meeting started and so I had about 2 hours give or take before i had to leave. this gave me a chance to change out of my pj's I was wearing all day, take a shower and maybe even read more of my current reading choice.

Time flew by as i accomplished all my goals. I grabbed my bible, my journal for notes, my current reading selection, coat and then proceed to check, keys, cell, i-pod, and we are good.

The drive was good, not too much traffic seeing it was the day after New Years and many people had off or took off because  *cough, cough* they were sick. so as I chug down Route 1 to church in my 2000 Ford Station wagon jamming to Needtobreathe on my i-pod I start thinking about the day,what the New Year holds and just how life is going to unfold.

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." is a small bit of truth from the good old movie Forrest Gump. Well, this is a bit of truth that i should live by because of what happened as I neared the church.

As i pulled up to the traffic light, waiting to cross the road to get to church. As I came to a complete stop I notice the man who had just crossed the street to the Right of my car. At first I didn't take to much attention to him because there is a convenience store on that corner as well as a bus stop and Train Station to my left.

But as I sat there waiting I noticed he was not moving fast, he had a cart and a crutch. Then I noticed why he was moving slow on this cold night and had a crutch his one foot was badly out of place. He was walking on a ankle and the side of the foot on one side.

My heart broke, and I wanted to offer him a ride to where he needed to go. Then fear crept in. I started debating back and forth about being on time, what if he has a knife, what about my stuff, WWJD, How am I going to be able to stop in the middle of a busy road, and its so cold out...

Then the light Turned green and I went to church. Still debating to myself I find a parking spot and go in. I realize I am really early due to the lack of traffic. We pray for the night and have our study.

During the study of God is love we have a group discussion on what is love? One guy points out we are to love the homeless, the orphan, the widow, etc. and my stomach swallows my heart and ties itself into knots. I know this I have done street ministry before, I care but when I feel safe.

I was wrong, I could have helped the man but I didn't, I am still working on my Love for Others as I am working on my Love for God. So I also need to practice what I teach, Love the lost even the ones you don't know.

Christians: Haters of All Mankind? Part 2

In the first post we looked at Love and what love is according to well the culture and the Bible. But I want to expand on what I said earlier about Judgement.

People always say, "Don't Judge ME! Don't attack me, my beliefs, thoughts, who I am!" because they do not like to be burned. No one like to put out themselves their true self out there only to be squashed by judgmental, sarcastic people. They do not like being judged because in reality they do not want to be condemned to be on the outside looking in, condemned to be a loser, a freak, or a weirdo, condemned to never belong, condemned to be who and what they are forever.

So the whole "Love me for what I am and don't try to change me" is just a defense mechanism, a way to say I am who I am and that is fine by me, and I don't care who or what I hurt being me. If they can't deal with it that's there problem.

Christians have been known ton be Judgmental and have probably added to the mess that has started this movement. As Christians we are told to Judge not or lest we be judged and we are also told to judge sin as sin.

Conflicting messages all around of if we, Christians, are to judge and if so what to judge.

The best way to look at this is to look at what Christ did when he was on earth:

One Passage is the woman caught in adultery. The woman caught in adulatory who, by the Jewish Law, was yo be stoned is brought in front f Jesus. Instead of giving the okay, Jesus says something to the crowd, or rather mob, eager to have justice. Jesus says "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." and the crowd leaves one by one starting with the older and wiser ones down to the young men till no one is left. Jesus says to he woman,  “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She answers, “No one, Lord.” Then Jesus says, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.” Wow Reconciliation and Grace and no condemnation.

The Pharisees and Religious Leaders: Jesus always did this through the power of parables. Best one to look at is the Parable of the Prodigal Son. Everyone knows this story but the older son is suppose to represent the Religious Leaders. Go back and reread the Passage. Jesus through the story Judges the religious leaders to come and rejoice in the lost that was found and to stop laboring for the wrong reasons. Come Join the Family Feast.

US: God spent all of the time post Gen 3 to redeem and reconcile us with Him. Back to the Garden State, the way it is supposed to be. That is why Christ dame, why He healed, Lived as man, died, and rose again. For Reconciliation of mankind, marred by the sin of their own hands, back to their God.  Let me explain further in a Question, How Great is God that He not only Wipes the slate clean but throws it down to the Ocean Floor, Forgotten?

What did Christ Do he Judged them not to condemnation but to reconciliation... that's right Reconciliation!

As Christians, Little Christs, Children of God, Followers of Jesus, We are to Judge in Love to bring people to Reconciliation with God.

So Do Not Condemn, its not your Job or Place; Rather Go forth and Love and bring the lost back with you.

Christians: Haters of All Mankind? Part1

Monday January 2nd, 2012 I went to my church's College and Career Bible Study. We have been doing a verse by verse/topical study of 1 John; that night we looked at Love.

Love it is a very ambiguous term, especially in our culture we use it for a variety of things from our "love" of Starbucks, to the "love" a mother has for her newborn, to the "love" we have for the girl or guy on the dance floor. Love in our culture has become a word to describe anything from a shallow definition to a deep meaningful understanding. We also have a hard time to define love because we only have one word to describe multiple forms of love, whereas other languages and cultures have multiple words for love.

Christians are supposed to Love and are even told by Jesus to "Love your neighbor as yourself" and "Love God". Even non-Christians and nonreligious people remind Christians of that. "Hey didn't your god say 'Love' all the time?" And unfortunately they see Christians as "Haters of All Mankind," the same way the early church was called "Haters of All Mankind" and persecuted for that.

But why is that? Why are Christians, who are supposed to Love so against Love?

Christians are known for their hate, their bigotry, and their hypocrisy. Even some Christians see this and rebel and call out other Christians to Love.

So what Love does the world want from Christians? Most People want acceptance; they want you to accept them for who or what they are no matter what and don't even try to judge me. They spread the message of "You are perfect the way you are and don't need to change, no mater what" while also saying "if anyone tells you otherwise, they need to change."

Wait Hold on! They are sending two conflicting messages of what love is and what acceptance is.

So what do Christians mean when they talk about Love?

Christians talk about the Love of God, the Love that flows from God, because "God is Love". He Demonstrated his love that while we were still sinners Christ Died for us and because of that he not only wiped the slate clean but throws it to the ocean floor, forgotten. The love that he provided himself as the propitiation for our sins and took his own wrath upon himself.

So Christians are not against Love they have a whole passage on Love, the Famous "Love is patient Love is kind.." They also worship the God who stated the Greatest Commandment is to Love God, Love Others.

So its not that Christians are against love they are against any cheap imitation of true love, the love that flows from the Father.

A Year In Review 2011

In these last days of the year all news channels, websites, papers, and magazines have the year in review looking at all the great happenings, sad tragedies, awe-causing disasters, and everything in between that has come define what this year has been in America as well as around the world. We have the Arab Spring, the Occupy Movement, The Earthquake in Japan, The Tornado in Joplin, The Shooting of Gabriel Giffords, The Royal Wedding, The Death of Osama, and the list goes on.

This year has been one of great highs and great lows not only on a global level but also on the national level and a personal level for me. I have had some interesting times this year from running my hand into a metal sign and having surgery because of it, I turned 21, I did street ministry, finished reading the bible cover to cover for the first time, I was depressed, I was happy, I went lukewarm, I grew, I loved on people. So much happens in 365 days. it seems like nothing really, another year, another 365, and we have to be reminded of what happened that year because we are so ADD, so self-serving-egocentric-consumers who are wrapped up in ourselves.

We need to stop, relax, look at the world and its pain and live like we are dying, Live simply so others may live.

I have to admit I am guilty as the net person thinking that "I am part of the 99%" when really I am part of the 1% of the World. I am selfish, in my actions, thoughts, and even my spiritual walk. I have to be constantly reminded that I am a Broken Human Being saved by grace and that without God I am nothing deserving Hell.

So that being said I have had a hard year, semester, time in this thing we call life, but I am pressing on; God has pulled me through and yes I need more help than others but i am making it. So as I go into this new year

I am well excited and scared for what is to come,
happy to think of a new year as a blank chapter in a book which I am about to fill,
Blessed by my Lord to have another year,
Trying to live Life and Love

I do have goals for this year and you can read them here,  but I am not going to be crazy over these I am going to do these and enjoy this year.

With that in mind  here is a prayer I wrote this past year which I hope to pray through out this next year:

Dear God, 

Thank you so much for your love and mercy and how you love me even in my sin. May I be moving forward, moving towards you and not backtracking; moving from my old self and the Pharisee I was and am now... May I realize that I deserve Hell everyday and that anything else in this life or next is grace. Your Grace is enough, sufficient and all I need. May you teach me through any road, journey, or school you choose for me. I am wanting to be molded to your will, and the teaching of your son.Please Lord fill me, use me, and allow me to be used to glorify you by doing your work. Thank you for loving me and never giving up on me.

Love,
Me 

A Series Of Confessions: Scrooge, a Christmas Wish, and Music of the Heart

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.

I am scrooge when it comes to Christmas. Not Christmas the actual celebration but rather the consumerism, the craziness, the crazy family, the hoopla, the feeding of the American "Me, Myself, and I" complex, and so on. The day that comes from the Lord coming to bring "Peace to Earth" causing craziness and greediness that makes black Friday shoppers turn stampedes and even death. In addition I hate Christmas music and decorations happening before Thanksgiving and in October rather happening in December. In addition the holidays always bring out the best or worst of every family and my crazy family is no exception... i almost dread holidays because of family and coordinating around everyone else's schedule, pleasing everyone, buying presents... the holiday just brings stress to us and we are the 1% of the world that has money and more than half the time we want more than we have, are disappointed with what we received, or just down right ungrateful for our blessings.

Whatever happened to "...Good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger." (Luke 2:10b-12 ESV, emphasis added) What happened to silent night, peace on earth, good will towards all men, and all that jazz? Christmas is not what it used to be; we went from Peace on earth to stabbings over a toy, what is wrong with people. SO BAH HUMBUG to what we call Christmas, the most egocentric-commercialized holiday in the US.

So my Christmas wished is two parts:

1. That the True meaning of Christmas will come back and take over this shadow of the holiday; that people will love each other, reach out and help their fellow man and love their neighbor as Jesus, God loves us.
2. That I will actually grow closer to God, this year has been crazy and here I am again not knowing what to say other than what Relient K says in a song:

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be...
and I, I Celebrate the Day
That you were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life~Relient K

 Finally I have been obsessed with the band Needtobreathe. they have two songs that have just been speaking to me so i want to share them so enjoy:

These Hard Times:

Something Beautiful:

A Series of Confessions: God, the Father? A reflection on Fatherhood of God.

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.

This was a reflection on fathers' day in addition to God the Father, and I apologize that it is so late but, this post hurt every time i sat to write it.This post was actual the first post I stated in this series and never finished it, till now.

The issue of whether or not there is a God is not necessarily a problem for me, even though now and then I may doubt the faith (which is another story), but rather how I am supposed to relate to Him and the Persons who make him up. Jesus and the Holy Spirit are the easier two to relate with; Jesus was a man, and the Spirit moves about convicting, challenging, and helping me to grow. But God the Father has always been hard for me to relate to or even really call him "father". I also have, at times, a hard time reconciling the God of the O.T. with Jesus (God) of the N.T. at times.

It all has to do with a couple of things in my own Life. The word "father" still holds some bad tastes in my mouth. Unfortunately, I come from a broken home, and have had an "interesting" relationship with my dad. I have grown up in a world where mom was there, and worked nights as I slept at babysitter's houses; where I "had" to grow up and be the man of the house; Where I learned I was another statistic waiting to happen; Where my dad showed up on birthdays and holidays and the occasional random days when he could.

You must understand I do not want sympathy for this, its a now sad part of life even more so now than before, it is a weight that hurts that i need to share and  let go of more and more. I have been hurt by my dad, he has left a scar and has tainted the word "father" for me, or rather what it should be. Father should be a representation of the Love of God, the Care from God, and a Representative of God. Yet no one can do that perfectly, therefore we all have been hurt by our fathers given a  bad representation of God, some have it worst than others. Yet our true father our heavenly father is different. He is there, He cares, He provides, He Loves, He is listening, He protects. He is the Perfect Father, the one we long for, we want. He is the perfect teacher of what it means to be a father.

There are so many guys and girls that have been hurt by their father or lack there of. Whether it be physical, emotional, or mental scars, You are not alone and I can say that you can break the cycle and the statistics I have. I may not have the earthly father i want and or need but i do have a Heavenly one who cares and will not let me down.

The book Wild at Heart by John Elderidge, I know that this book is controversial but I learned form this and understood what the book was trying to talk about; it talks about the scars on our hearts our earthly fathers gave us and how our Heavenly Father Heals them and fills in any and all gaps in our hearts. A couple other books have helped me as well including The Masculine Mandate by Richard D. Phillips, and Father Fiction by Donald Miller. All these books are geared toward men and boys but Father Fiction is a good read for both genders.

A Series of Confession: I Need Christ More than I Admit

To have a full understanding of this post and the series it is apart of please read the Reason.

Its been a very long time since ive blogged and it upsets me... I am too busy... too independent... too dumb... and I need this as a stress release as well as a way to express my ideas and feelings and organize them.

Yet i need God more than i want to admit or let on even to myself. I Need him everyday and yet everyday i dont always act that way. I am independent dont trust anyone because they will fail me and i will have to work harder anyway. I just cannot sit still and relax. I become anxious. I have to do something... anything. Probably why I am stressed, always busy, and I cannot say no. Thus leading to sleep deprivation and hard time sleeping in general.

But any who i just expect my hard work to work out in the end. God gave ,me this talent, I use it, I do the work, ME, ME, ME, I, I, I... I don't see a line of black and white but rather a mist, a grey area where the two over lap and I assume that its my area to work in and take control and let my kingdom come. I have to learn when I pray, "Your Kingdom come" that automatically my kingdom has to go. I have a hard time doing this because I am an artist, a writer, a musician, an actor, a director... I love the arts. In these worlds you did the work, not God. God just was there to give you the talent...? Where does my hard work come into play?

Ok sorry about the rabbit trail... but I have been realizing that I am very emotional and my spiritual life is very much affected by this fact. I need God to be my refuge, my strength, my base line, my rock I cling to where ever I am spiritually, mentally, or emotionally. I need to be consistent in my walk... I need to not fake my way through this... I need not be fake with people... I need to be open... I need to be more dependent on my heavenly father who wants to give me good things, who loves me and who is perfect.

This is especially true when i am doing well "on my own" for pride goes before the fall and man do i fall hard... like the saying goes the bigger or higher they are the harder they fall. I just need to put back into practice my disciplines. Prayer is coming along and i have aids to help me when i don't know what to say, reading the bible and studying it well I'm working on it... these things take time and i'm short on it because its the end of the semester... lame excuse I know but its what i tell my self to fell better, or try to make myself feel better, failing at the moment btw.  But I was able to go do the Lord's work Last night in the downtown section of a near by city just praying for the people of the city and talking with a couple and praying for them. Sowing seeds and just trying to show them love and life, eternal life. this was a wonderful experience, a wake-up call, and smack-upside-the-head all wrapped up into 5 hours of a friday night.... and i can't wait to do it again... well life keeps on ticking and a paper is waiting for me.... ugh but tonight is a movie night for a class hopefully it will be a good night.\

God Bless all of you and thank you for reading my thoughts i need to get out on paper.

A Series of Confessions: Dandelions

To have a full understanding of this post and the series it is apart of please read the Reason.

This is a post from last may:

Dandelions that flower that children see with great wonder full of perspective fun, hopes, and wishes. The weed that all home owners and groundskeepers dreads and hates.Yes that flower. as I write, instead of writing a paper, there is a field of dandelions outside my dorm room window. the past couple days it has been a bright yellow field, but yesterday it turned into a field of white puff balls just calling out to me to come and play. I have resisted thus far but I am weak due to finals week causing me to go insane.As I had the thought to run, dance, frolic, and/or play in this field of white I was reminded of two things:

When I was a child I remember always trying to get a full white dandelion with all the seeds intact and ripe for the picking and wishing upon. I would make my wish and blow with all my hope wishing for silly things and serious things, making sure to blow all the seeds into the air. Unfortunately,I did not always achieve getting the seeds in the air and sometime I cheated and pulled them off and threw them in the air hoping the rules of the dandelion were not broken. But I always find a new one and make a wish, often being scolded by my mother to not help the "evil weeds" spread. Despite however evil they were there was a magic about them, that to this day I still cannot put my finger on. I also remember once I caught a seed, we called them "wishies," in the air. At that my friend told me that I had just caught someone else's wish and could ruin their wish. At that I worried about the person and their wish, so I wished upon that wishy to allow the person-who-originally-wished-upon-it's wish to come true and released it.   

I was also reminded of my Favorite Five Iron Frenzy song, Dandelions. The awesome Ska band that was witty in lyrics and album tittles really hit home with me on this song even today. Dandelions tells a story of a boy who picks a bouquet of dandelions for his mother. His mother treasures this gift and places them in a vase; She saw Love where anyone else would have seen weeds. 

This is almost how I see myself at times, a child, not befitting a place in the Kingdom for I see my depravity and the evil with in me. Yet I try to give  my best to God and give him all my love. God also sees me for who I am and yet he still loves me. He also sees that I try as I offer up my dandelion offering to Him and chooses to see my love for Him rather than the weeds I give Him . As I mature in the faith I hope I can pick better flowers to present him but formerly the dandelion blossom expressed the virtuous idea of loyalty and faithfulness.So I guess Dandelions are not this evil weed and one could see the good in them.

Let me end with the song and lyrics used as a prayer:

Father God,

"Fathomless your endless mercy, 

Weight I could not lift, 

Where do I fit in this puzzle, 

What good are these gifts? 

Not a martyr or a saint 

Scarcely can I struggle through 

All that I have ever wanted, 

Was to give my best to you. 

Lord, search my heart, 

Create in me something clean. 

Dandelions- 

You see flowers in these weeds. 

Gently lifting hands to heaven, 

Softened by the sweetist hush, 

A father sings over his children, 

Loving them so very much 

More than words could warrent 

Deeper than the darkest Blue 

More than sacrafice could merit 

Lord,I give my heart to you, 

Lord, search my heart, 

Create in me something clean. 

Dandelions- 

You see flowers in these weeds."

Love, ME

A Series of Confessions: Summer Plans

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.


Summer breaks are always a time of freedom, fun, sun, beaches, pools, sleep, work, and on and on. A time were students don't have to worry about teachers and teachers don't have to worry about students. A time of heat waves, dancing in the streets, pool parties and graduation all wrapped up in a towel licking the ice cream cone in our hand. But what has anyone really accomplished over the summer? reading book(s), sleeping, movie watching, swimming, exercises. 


I plan to do all of this but more, i am planning to make my summer mean something, be a summer to remember. I want to grow and not waste my summer, but better yet start "writing a better story for myself." The following is how I am going to to do just that:

• I am working on deepening my relationship with Christ
• I plan to be Christ at the pool I work at where everyone is "christian" or agnostic
• I am apart of the College and Career group at church, continuing going to that
• This summer a bunch of guys at a Bible decided that instead of going through another book of the Bible over the summer we instead will do some street ministry down on South Street in Philly (Philadelphia). (I am going to be apart of that)
• I am going to work at a camp for a week to be Christ to the campers
• I am reading books both theological and fun to read.
• exercising and eating right

I hope this start to not waste my summer and hope to make lifestyle changes to allow me not to waste the rest of the summer.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this time off from school and for allowing this time and season to be enjoyed. I wonder at the sunsets and enjoy the ocean and its beaches. Please Lord please don't let this summer go to waste and may it be fruitful and a time of growth. I am pray for the people at my work, in south Philly, and the children at camp i will work with, may you work in their lives and allow me to be used in the process. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this. 

Love, ME

A Series of Confessions: O me, O my...

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.


Well in spite of "not having anything to post at the moment" I will post something.: A reflection if you will and a prayer. I had finished reading a book two months ago called O me of little faith by Jason Boyett. Also, in chapel on my campus there was a great speaker/pastor. He had spoke on counting trials, pain, and our "thorn in the flesh" pure joy. These two sermons with the addition of the book have caused me to think again. To think about how we as Christians who grew up in the church could be so hypocritical, lukewarm, cynical, and outright doubtful of things. I am one of those Christians; I am a bit cynical; I have doubts at times; I struggle and fail. Yet dispute all of this I am still Loved by God, one of His children, and a Christian. I'll put it this way, I am a passive-aggressive rebellious child of God, who every once and a while needs a reminder of the fact of the matter is still a Christian. This is kinda one of the reasons I want a Tattoo, but until that day comes I have been writing on my wrists with pen: on the left it says "Forgiven" and on the right "Loved". This allows me to see them and be reminded constantly that I am Loved and Forgiven by God and I am his; especially during the "face-palm" situations I have. I need to remember that I am a sinner saved by grace or how my pastor put it today in church, "I am a recovering hypocrite." 


So in light of that last paragraph over this past school year I have noticed some trends in my life and here are some of the findings. I find that when I am in a routine, getting enough sleep, low stress, and so on I tend to be a better person. I tend to deal better with people, and not be fake. I hate being fake, it makes me feel like I am an actor playing this character rather than a human being, living and breathing outside of the theater. It takes Shakespeare's quote "All the worlds a stage, And all the men and women merely players:" to a whole new  level. I almost feel like the actor in me never turned off. I have also realized that when I don't get sleep and I am stressed, I don't spend time with God and if it is is mediocre at best. At this point I start  depressed, cynical, and for lack of any other term, "Blarg." I need the very friends I push away and shut myself in a dark place away from others. I then feel alone and unwanted and unloved; I start to compare myself to who I want to be or to others and become a shell or a ghost of who I am and who I want to be. 


I Deal with these feelings of depression, being unloved, alone, and unwanted even in a room full of friends or people I know. I am human, broken and afflicted living in a broken world and both it and I have been marred by sin. Yet there is Redemption and Reconciliation. I am not alone at all; I am not unwanted or unloved. For One can never be too high to not need salvation and love nor can one ever be too low to receive salvation and love.


Dear Father,


You are great and mighty, you have laid the foundations of the earth and are the "cosmic-glue" that holds everything together. You know my heart, my deeds, and my thoughts and yet you love me anyway. Thank you for that. Thank you for your Son and that he died but also raised again that I too could be raised up and be apart of your Kingdom. I Pray for all those in the south who have lost their homes, loved ones, and livelihood. I pray for the pastors, allow them to care for your sheep there as you would. Please let the Christian Community rise up among these hurting people and show them Your love and Your Kingdom. "Lord, may Your Kingdom come and your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven," and may I be apart of your work.


Love, ME 

A Series of Confessions: Confessing

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.

I have started three post in this series and i have a problem finishing them. I find it hard confessing my thoughts, past problems in my life because of me and outside forces beyond my control. I have been churched my whole life growing up in a Baptist Church tradition where I learned the "great Christian Facade." I am guilty of "not caring" of what others think about me, well to a point. I am too used to playing the good little Christian boy part, and i feel sick of it... I want and long for being real, true, and transparent with a community of believers. I just have not found a group of that level yet, so until then i will try to be transparent to a point with some people. I had a couple groups of guys i could be real with in my life but they have come and gone. I have a mentor of sorts which has helped but I am looking for a core group of friends I can be real with for once with out scaring them off, or them "disowning me." Which bring me to the reason, the deepest reason I hate confessing who I am and what I have done, the fear that wreaks havoc in my soul and will haunt me till the day I die or am called Home: The Fear of Abandonment and Being Alone. There I "said" it. Its a start, of the slow process of change. I have changed my look by shaving off my beard and cutting my hair, its almost poetic in cutting off/removing  parts  i want to leave behind in the past and leave the baggage that goes with it there. I will re-open old scares on this process to allow them to heal. I will be real to a point and I may write posts you will never see, but i will confess them before God and self. Until we meet again, here is a start of confessions:

I am :

• a white middle-class suburban male
• a child of a broken home
• a person who has struggled  with depression and loneliness in silence
• a person who has dealt with sin on many levels
• a person who has dealt with uncertainty and doubt 
• Loved
• Forgiven
• A Child of God

Lent: An Apology & A Promise

Dear Blogging Community,

I apologize, I decided for lent I would give up Blogs/Blogging and didn't warn anyone. I apologize. In this time I got closer to God and had more free time for just random things like yoga (yes I know that i'm a heathen for doing yoga) deeper studies of God's word, prayer and relationships of people around me. I don't have much to discuss about what happened over lent but  I do promise to keep you informed about my anything that does come up. In addition I am going to start/finish the series of Blogs I promised entitled "A Series of Confessions" as soon as possible. It is just really hard to Dig deep into one's soul and then bear it for all to see on the internet especially since my Blog is linked to my Social Media Webpages.... *sigh* Well its 1 am and I am still up.... Bed time soon but i need to catch up on Blogs. Happy Easter Monday and God Bless.

LOVE, ME

A Series of Confessions: The Reason

This Past year I have learned a lot about myself; how i relate to myself, others and God. I have also learned about being real with people. These next series of posts I am going to be confessions of self, religion, thoughts, actions, and so on. These may dig up hard memories but part of living is acknowledging hurts and sharing them. I  am striving to be real, and real those around me. This is a step towards it. I am done with Facades and being fake. I am sick of.... just a lot of things and I need to express them. So the reason I started this blog was to put my thoughts out there; my confessions, convictions and contemplations. Here is a series of them that will just be that, nothing more or less. These are confessions of doubt and faith, love and hate and so on all based on the conviction of being real rather than an actor on a stage. This will also give me the opportunity to  contemplate things I have dealt with, am dealing with, and stuff I buried deep or put on the back burner. These post will be very "me-centered" and will be me preaching to myself. Therefore I apologize. Happy Days and God Bless you till we "meet" again on this blog to have a "conversation."

A Letter Home

Dear God, 

Thank you so much for your love and mercy and how you love me even in my sin. May I be moving forward, moving towards you and not backtracking; moving from my old self and the Pharisee I was and am now. May I work towards living with my thorn in my flesh and all the pain, suffering, and trials I face; May I count them joy. May I realize that I deserve Hell everyday and that anything else in this life or next is grace. Your Grace is enough, sufficient and all I need. May you teach me through any road, journey, or school you choose for me. I am wanting to be molded to your will, and the teaching of your son.Please Lord fill me, use me, and allow me to be used to glorify you by doing your work. Thank you for loving me and never giving up on me.


Love,
Me 

Love: Valentine's Day Reflection

Love.... 
Everyone "knows" has an idea of what love is, but if you ask anyone on the street to define it,  how to communicate it to another human being.We know nothing about love, absolutely nothing here in America about love, we fall in and out of love like its a fashion statement. We use love so loosely about loving this and that were years ago it would have been I like this, I enjoy that, or this pleases me. We have taken a word with so much meaning and power and have stripped it down to the level of a off-handed comment.The Greeks had four (4) words for love: agápe, éros, philía, and storgē; each had their own meaning and use.


For knowing so little about love we are fascinated with the thought of it, most of us are in love with the thought of being in love and idea of love. Just look at all the poems, movies, books, songs, art, and so on all portraying what "Love" is. Don't believe me, look at a lot of the pop culture; it is filled with love. Filled with love gained, love lost, falling into love, falling out of it, finding the one and finding out they are not the one. Love is everywhere else as well: it's in the air(especially now and in the spring), in our speech and actions.But love has so many meanings in today's English, we use it in the case of caring for, infatuation, likes, desire, and even use it in sarcasm. People always criticize others for using the word hate because "Hate is such a strong word." My response to this is "Love is a strong word and we use that loosely as well." This doesn't mean that it is right, or even justified, but rather this is a just to point out the flawed logic in the statement.


Now for a change in direction. Love is also one of the main attributes of a leader and a major part of a relationship. Love is hard to define but I want to define it as other(s) directed, and use the synonyms care and compassion to further the understanding of the definition. Love needs to be in a relationship to make a great leader just that, great.  I really want to stay away from all the cliché sayings like "what the world need now is love, sweet love," "give a little bit of your love...,"  or "All you need is Love" but we all need love, real love.  Love can be found anywhere there is a real, genuine relationship. It can be in a family, between friends, and so on as long as it is a reflection of the vertical love we both give and receive. We need both vertical and horizontal love in our lives. But God, Jesus, and the Bible (all Sunday school answers)  tell us to love our neighbors as ourselves and the enemies. G.K. Chesterton explains this well saying, "The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies, probably because they're generally the same people." Therefore I repeat LOVE: Love God, Love Others. (Matt. 22:34-40). 


I am still Learning how to do this by evidence of last night or rather really early this morning around 1 am. I wanted to go to bed and the guys in my hall were filming in my room, which I allowed them to.It was taking too long, in my opinion, to get a scene filmed and I was tired and irritated (not a good combo). Then I proceeded try to help so the scene could be filmed and I could go to bed. The got the scene filmed and I got to go to bed. This morning I checked my e-mail and found an e-mail confronting me on my attitude and my actions/words during this process. I realized that I was wrong and that I had sinned, this was not my first response though; the first response was to make excuses and defend myself against this light of truth from a brother who does not know me well. I have written an e-mail back saying that I would like to ask for his forgiveness and talk with him, face-to-face, whenever he is free and until then to please forgive me. This was a smack upside the head for me, another hey body you haven't arrived moment (thats two over the weekend). I do try to live out the Love God, Love Others idea but I lose sight of this every once and a while, and last night was one of those times. I forget love is a verb not a noun or adjective, or adverb, etc.; it is a constant action(s) and thought of mind. We, myself included, need to live like this at all times and remember what true love is: Love is patient Love is kind.... and so on. Therefore live out the word Love, for actions do speak louder than words. Happy Valentine's Day and may God bless you.