A Year In Review 2011

In these last days of the year all news channels, websites, papers, and magazines have the year in review looking at all the great happenings, sad tragedies, awe-causing disasters, and everything in between that has come define what this year has been in America as well as around the world. We have the Arab Spring, the Occupy Movement, The Earthquake in Japan, The Tornado in Joplin, The Shooting of Gabriel Giffords, The Royal Wedding, The Death of Osama, and the list goes on.

This year has been one of great highs and great lows not only on a global level but also on the national level and a personal level for me. I have had some interesting times this year from running my hand into a metal sign and having surgery because of it, I turned 21, I did street ministry, finished reading the bible cover to cover for the first time, I was depressed, I was happy, I went lukewarm, I grew, I loved on people. So much happens in 365 days. it seems like nothing really, another year, another 365, and we have to be reminded of what happened that year because we are so ADD, so self-serving-egocentric-consumers who are wrapped up in ourselves.

We need to stop, relax, look at the world and its pain and live like we are dying, Live simply so others may live.

I have to admit I am guilty as the net person thinking that "I am part of the 99%" when really I am part of the 1% of the World. I am selfish, in my actions, thoughts, and even my spiritual walk. I have to be constantly reminded that I am a Broken Human Being saved by grace and that without God I am nothing deserving Hell.

So that being said I have had a hard year, semester, time in this thing we call life, but I am pressing on; God has pulled me through and yes I need more help than others but i am making it. So as I go into this new year

I am well excited and scared for what is to come,
happy to think of a new year as a blank chapter in a book which I am about to fill,
Blessed by my Lord to have another year,
Trying to live Life and Love

I do have goals for this year and you can read them here,  but I am not going to be crazy over these I am going to do these and enjoy this year.

With that in mind  here is a prayer I wrote this past year which I hope to pray through out this next year:

Dear God, 

Thank you so much for your love and mercy and how you love me even in my sin. May I be moving forward, moving towards you and not backtracking; moving from my old self and the Pharisee I was and am now... May I realize that I deserve Hell everyday and that anything else in this life or next is grace. Your Grace is enough, sufficient and all I need. May you teach me through any road, journey, or school you choose for me. I am wanting to be molded to your will, and the teaching of your son.Please Lord fill me, use me, and allow me to be used to glorify you by doing your work. Thank you for loving me and never giving up on me.

Love,
Me 

#finishyear

so you may asking yourself...  #hashtag? they have have taken over the #world!!!! #overreacting...

yes hash tags have taken over the world but here is the reason for this post 

ok so, here's the thing I never have a hard time with new years resolutions... so here are the #finishyear resolutions!!!

1. Journal everyday
2. Blog at least once a week
3. Work out 3x's a week
4. ALWAYS TAKE A SABBATH each week!
5. Actually invest in friends lives beyond the surface 
6. Be consistent in my daily walk and cling to the cross no matter how I feel emotionally
7. Challenge myself and those around me to be more Christ-like 

to see how im doing follow my twitter feed.... 

A Series Of Confessions: Scrooge, a Christmas Wish, and Music of the Heart

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.

I am scrooge when it comes to Christmas. Not Christmas the actual celebration but rather the consumerism, the craziness, the crazy family, the hoopla, the feeding of the American "Me, Myself, and I" complex, and so on. The day that comes from the Lord coming to bring "Peace to Earth" causing craziness and greediness that makes black Friday shoppers turn stampedes and even death. In addition I hate Christmas music and decorations happening before Thanksgiving and in October rather happening in December. In addition the holidays always bring out the best or worst of every family and my crazy family is no exception... i almost dread holidays because of family and coordinating around everyone else's schedule, pleasing everyone, buying presents... the holiday just brings stress to us and we are the 1% of the world that has money and more than half the time we want more than we have, are disappointed with what we received, or just down right ungrateful for our blessings.

Whatever happened to "...Good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger." (Luke 2:10b-12 ESV, emphasis added) What happened to silent night, peace on earth, good will towards all men, and all that jazz? Christmas is not what it used to be; we went from Peace on earth to stabbings over a toy, what is wrong with people. SO BAH HUMBUG to what we call Christmas, the most egocentric-commercialized holiday in the US.

So my Christmas wished is two parts:

1. That the True meaning of Christmas will come back and take over this shadow of the holiday; that people will love each other, reach out and help their fellow man and love their neighbor as Jesus, God loves us.
2. That I will actually grow closer to God, this year has been crazy and here I am again not knowing what to say other than what Relient K says in a song:

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be...
and I, I Celebrate the Day
That you were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life~Relient K

 Finally I have been obsessed with the band Needtobreathe. they have two songs that have just been speaking to me so i want to share them so enjoy:

These Hard Times:

Something Beautiful:

A Series of Confessions: God, the Father? A reflection on Fatherhood of God.

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.

This was a reflection on fathers' day in addition to God the Father, and I apologize that it is so late but, this post hurt every time i sat to write it.This post was actual the first post I stated in this series and never finished it, till now.

The issue of whether or not there is a God is not necessarily a problem for me, even though now and then I may doubt the faith (which is another story), but rather how I am supposed to relate to Him and the Persons who make him up. Jesus and the Holy Spirit are the easier two to relate with; Jesus was a man, and the Spirit moves about convicting, challenging, and helping me to grow. But God the Father has always been hard for me to relate to or even really call him "father". I also have, at times, a hard time reconciling the God of the O.T. with Jesus (God) of the N.T. at times.

It all has to do with a couple of things in my own Life. The word "father" still holds some bad tastes in my mouth. Unfortunately, I come from a broken home, and have had an "interesting" relationship with my dad. I have grown up in a world where mom was there, and worked nights as I slept at babysitter's houses; where I "had" to grow up and be the man of the house; Where I learned I was another statistic waiting to happen; Where my dad showed up on birthdays and holidays and the occasional random days when he could.

You must understand I do not want sympathy for this, its a now sad part of life even more so now than before, it is a weight that hurts that i need to share and  let go of more and more. I have been hurt by my dad, he has left a scar and has tainted the word "father" for me, or rather what it should be. Father should be a representation of the Love of God, the Care from God, and a Representative of God. Yet no one can do that perfectly, therefore we all have been hurt by our fathers given a  bad representation of God, some have it worst than others. Yet our true father our heavenly father is different. He is there, He cares, He provides, He Loves, He is listening, He protects. He is the Perfect Father, the one we long for, we want. He is the perfect teacher of what it means to be a father.

There are so many guys and girls that have been hurt by their father or lack there of. Whether it be physical, emotional, or mental scars, You are not alone and I can say that you can break the cycle and the statistics I have. I may not have the earthly father i want and or need but i do have a Heavenly one who cares and will not let me down.

The book Wild at Heart by John Elderidge, I know that this book is controversial but I learned form this and understood what the book was trying to talk about; it talks about the scars on our hearts our earthly fathers gave us and how our Heavenly Father Heals them and fills in any and all gaps in our hearts. A couple other books have helped me as well including The Masculine Mandate by Richard D. Phillips, and Father Fiction by Donald Miller. All these books are geared toward men and boys but Father Fiction is a good read for both genders.

A Series of Confession: I Need Christ More than I Admit

To have a full understanding of this post and the series it is apart of please read the Reason.

Its been a very long time since ive blogged and it upsets me... I am too busy... too independent... too dumb... and I need this as a stress release as well as a way to express my ideas and feelings and organize them.

Yet i need God more than i want to admit or let on even to myself. I Need him everyday and yet everyday i dont always act that way. I am independent dont trust anyone because they will fail me and i will have to work harder anyway. I just cannot sit still and relax. I become anxious. I have to do something... anything. Probably why I am stressed, always busy, and I cannot say no. Thus leading to sleep deprivation and hard time sleeping in general.

But any who i just expect my hard work to work out in the end. God gave ,me this talent, I use it, I do the work, ME, ME, ME, I, I, I... I don't see a line of black and white but rather a mist, a grey area where the two over lap and I assume that its my area to work in and take control and let my kingdom come. I have to learn when I pray, "Your Kingdom come" that automatically my kingdom has to go. I have a hard time doing this because I am an artist, a writer, a musician, an actor, a director... I love the arts. In these worlds you did the work, not God. God just was there to give you the talent...? Where does my hard work come into play?

Ok sorry about the rabbit trail... but I have been realizing that I am very emotional and my spiritual life is very much affected by this fact. I need God to be my refuge, my strength, my base line, my rock I cling to where ever I am spiritually, mentally, or emotionally. I need to be consistent in my walk... I need to not fake my way through this... I need not be fake with people... I need to be open... I need to be more dependent on my heavenly father who wants to give me good things, who loves me and who is perfect.

This is especially true when i am doing well "on my own" for pride goes before the fall and man do i fall hard... like the saying goes the bigger or higher they are the harder they fall. I just need to put back into practice my disciplines. Prayer is coming along and i have aids to help me when i don't know what to say, reading the bible and studying it well I'm working on it... these things take time and i'm short on it because its the end of the semester... lame excuse I know but its what i tell my self to fell better, or try to make myself feel better, failing at the moment btw.  But I was able to go do the Lord's work Last night in the downtown section of a near by city just praying for the people of the city and talking with a couple and praying for them. Sowing seeds and just trying to show them love and life, eternal life. this was a wonderful experience, a wake-up call, and smack-upside-the-head all wrapped up into 5 hours of a friday night.... and i can't wait to do it again... well life keeps on ticking and a paper is waiting for me.... ugh but tonight is a movie night for a class hopefully it will be a good night.\

God Bless all of you and thank you for reading my thoughts i need to get out on paper.

A Series of Confessions: Dandelions

To have a full understanding of this post and the series it is apart of please read the Reason.

This is a post from last may:

Dandelions that flower that children see with great wonder full of perspective fun, hopes, and wishes. The weed that all home owners and groundskeepers dreads and hates.Yes that flower. as I write, instead of writing a paper, there is a field of dandelions outside my dorm room window. the past couple days it has been a bright yellow field, but yesterday it turned into a field of white puff balls just calling out to me to come and play. I have resisted thus far but I am weak due to finals week causing me to go insane.As I had the thought to run, dance, frolic, and/or play in this field of white I was reminded of two things:

When I was a child I remember always trying to get a full white dandelion with all the seeds intact and ripe for the picking and wishing upon. I would make my wish and blow with all my hope wishing for silly things and serious things, making sure to blow all the seeds into the air. Unfortunately,I did not always achieve getting the seeds in the air and sometime I cheated and pulled them off and threw them in the air hoping the rules of the dandelion were not broken. But I always find a new one and make a wish, often being scolded by my mother to not help the "evil weeds" spread. Despite however evil they were there was a magic about them, that to this day I still cannot put my finger on. I also remember once I caught a seed, we called them "wishies," in the air. At that my friend told me that I had just caught someone else's wish and could ruin their wish. At that I worried about the person and their wish, so I wished upon that wishy to allow the person-who-originally-wished-upon-it's wish to come true and released it.   

I was also reminded of my Favorite Five Iron Frenzy song, Dandelions. The awesome Ska band that was witty in lyrics and album tittles really hit home with me on this song even today. Dandelions tells a story of a boy who picks a bouquet of dandelions for his mother. His mother treasures this gift and places them in a vase; She saw Love where anyone else would have seen weeds. 

This is almost how I see myself at times, a child, not befitting a place in the Kingdom for I see my depravity and the evil with in me. Yet I try to give  my best to God and give him all my love. God also sees me for who I am and yet he still loves me. He also sees that I try as I offer up my dandelion offering to Him and chooses to see my love for Him rather than the weeds I give Him . As I mature in the faith I hope I can pick better flowers to present him but formerly the dandelion blossom expressed the virtuous idea of loyalty and faithfulness.So I guess Dandelions are not this evil weed and one could see the good in them.

Let me end with the song and lyrics used as a prayer:

Father God,

"Fathomless your endless mercy, 

Weight I could not lift, 

Where do I fit in this puzzle, 

What good are these gifts? 

Not a martyr or a saint 

Scarcely can I struggle through 

All that I have ever wanted, 

Was to give my best to you. 

Lord, search my heart, 

Create in me something clean. 

Dandelions- 

You see flowers in these weeds. 

Gently lifting hands to heaven, 

Softened by the sweetist hush, 

A father sings over his children, 

Loving them so very much 

More than words could warrent 

Deeper than the darkest Blue 

More than sacrafice could merit 

Lord,I give my heart to you, 

Lord, search my heart, 

Create in me something clean. 

Dandelions- 

You see flowers in these weeds."

Love, ME

A Series of Confessions: Summer Plans

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.


Summer breaks are always a time of freedom, fun, sun, beaches, pools, sleep, work, and on and on. A time were students don't have to worry about teachers and teachers don't have to worry about students. A time of heat waves, dancing in the streets, pool parties and graduation all wrapped up in a towel licking the ice cream cone in our hand. But what has anyone really accomplished over the summer? reading book(s), sleeping, movie watching, swimming, exercises. 


I plan to do all of this but more, i am planning to make my summer mean something, be a summer to remember. I want to grow and not waste my summer, but better yet start "writing a better story for myself." The following is how I am going to to do just that:

• I am working on deepening my relationship with Christ
• I plan to be Christ at the pool I work at where everyone is "christian" or agnostic
• I am apart of the College and Career group at church, continuing going to that
• This summer a bunch of guys at a Bible decided that instead of going through another book of the Bible over the summer we instead will do some street ministry down on South Street in Philly (Philadelphia). (I am going to be apart of that)
• I am going to work at a camp for a week to be Christ to the campers
• I am reading books both theological and fun to read.
• exercising and eating right

I hope this start to not waste my summer and hope to make lifestyle changes to allow me not to waste the rest of the summer.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this time off from school and for allowing this time and season to be enjoyed. I wonder at the sunsets and enjoy the ocean and its beaches. Please Lord please don't let this summer go to waste and may it be fruitful and a time of growth. I am pray for the people at my work, in south Philly, and the children at camp i will work with, may you work in their lives and allow me to be used in the process. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this. 

Love, ME

A Series of Confessions: O me, O my...

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.


Well in spite of "not having anything to post at the moment" I will post something.: A reflection if you will and a prayer. I had finished reading a book two months ago called O me of little faith by Jason Boyett. Also, in chapel on my campus there was a great speaker/pastor. He had spoke on counting trials, pain, and our "thorn in the flesh" pure joy. These two sermons with the addition of the book have caused me to think again. To think about how we as Christians who grew up in the church could be so hypocritical, lukewarm, cynical, and outright doubtful of things. I am one of those Christians; I am a bit cynical; I have doubts at times; I struggle and fail. Yet dispute all of this I am still Loved by God, one of His children, and a Christian. I'll put it this way, I am a passive-aggressive rebellious child of God, who every once and a while needs a reminder of the fact of the matter is still a Christian. This is kinda one of the reasons I want a Tattoo, but until that day comes I have been writing on my wrists with pen: on the left it says "Forgiven" and on the right "Loved". This allows me to see them and be reminded constantly that I am Loved and Forgiven by God and I am his; especially during the "face-palm" situations I have. I need to remember that I am a sinner saved by grace or how my pastor put it today in church, "I am a recovering hypocrite." 


So in light of that last paragraph over this past school year I have noticed some trends in my life and here are some of the findings. I find that when I am in a routine, getting enough sleep, low stress, and so on I tend to be a better person. I tend to deal better with people, and not be fake. I hate being fake, it makes me feel like I am an actor playing this character rather than a human being, living and breathing outside of the theater. It takes Shakespeare's quote "All the worlds a stage, And all the men and women merely players:" to a whole new  level. I almost feel like the actor in me never turned off. I have also realized that when I don't get sleep and I am stressed, I don't spend time with God and if it is is mediocre at best. At this point I start  depressed, cynical, and for lack of any other term, "Blarg." I need the very friends I push away and shut myself in a dark place away from others. I then feel alone and unwanted and unloved; I start to compare myself to who I want to be or to others and become a shell or a ghost of who I am and who I want to be. 


I Deal with these feelings of depression, being unloved, alone, and unwanted even in a room full of friends or people I know. I am human, broken and afflicted living in a broken world and both it and I have been marred by sin. Yet there is Redemption and Reconciliation. I am not alone at all; I am not unwanted or unloved. For One can never be too high to not need salvation and love nor can one ever be too low to receive salvation and love.


Dear Father,


You are great and mighty, you have laid the foundations of the earth and are the "cosmic-glue" that holds everything together. You know my heart, my deeds, and my thoughts and yet you love me anyway. Thank you for that. Thank you for your Son and that he died but also raised again that I too could be raised up and be apart of your Kingdom. I Pray for all those in the south who have lost their homes, loved ones, and livelihood. I pray for the pastors, allow them to care for your sheep there as you would. Please let the Christian Community rise up among these hurting people and show them Your love and Your Kingdom. "Lord, may Your Kingdom come and your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven," and may I be apart of your work.


Love, ME 

A Series of Confessions: Confessing

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.

I have started three post in this series and i have a problem finishing them. I find it hard confessing my thoughts, past problems in my life because of me and outside forces beyond my control. I have been churched my whole life growing up in a Baptist Church tradition where I learned the "great Christian Facade." I am guilty of "not caring" of what others think about me, well to a point. I am too used to playing the good little Christian boy part, and i feel sick of it... I want and long for being real, true, and transparent with a community of believers. I just have not found a group of that level yet, so until then i will try to be transparent to a point with some people. I had a couple groups of guys i could be real with in my life but they have come and gone. I have a mentor of sorts which has helped but I am looking for a core group of friends I can be real with for once with out scaring them off, or them "disowning me." Which bring me to the reason, the deepest reason I hate confessing who I am and what I have done, the fear that wreaks havoc in my soul and will haunt me till the day I die or am called Home: The Fear of Abandonment and Being Alone. There I "said" it. Its a start, of the slow process of change. I have changed my look by shaving off my beard and cutting my hair, its almost poetic in cutting off/removing  parts  i want to leave behind in the past and leave the baggage that goes with it there. I will re-open old scares on this process to allow them to heal. I will be real to a point and I may write posts you will never see, but i will confess them before God and self. Until we meet again, here is a start of confessions:

I am :

• a white middle-class suburban male
• a child of a broken home
• a person who has struggled  with depression and loneliness in silence
• a person who has dealt with sin on many levels
• a person who has dealt with uncertainty and doubt 
• Loved
• Forgiven
• A Child of God

Lent: An Apology & A Promise

Dear Blogging Community,

I apologize, I decided for lent I would give up Blogs/Blogging and didn't warn anyone. I apologize. In this time I got closer to God and had more free time for just random things like yoga (yes I know that i'm a heathen for doing yoga) deeper studies of God's word, prayer and relationships of people around me. I don't have much to discuss about what happened over lent but  I do promise to keep you informed about my anything that does come up. In addition I am going to start/finish the series of Blogs I promised entitled "A Series of Confessions" as soon as possible. It is just really hard to Dig deep into one's soul and then bear it for all to see on the internet especially since my Blog is linked to my Social Media Webpages.... *sigh* Well its 1 am and I am still up.... Bed time soon but i need to catch up on Blogs. Happy Easter Monday and God Bless.

LOVE, ME

So Live your life...

Are you living a great story with your life? from Donald Miller on Vimeo.


I finished this wonderful book by Donald Miller called A Million Miles In A Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life a while ago. This Book challenged me and also made me realize things in life. The book talks about a "good story"  and that fear hold us back from living out a good story. We also know, and he point out, that we as humans never hit a full climax with a resolution; we have mini-climaxes in our story building up to another story in our life; the story always moves forward. I want to live a good story so when the credits role people remember me and have good things to say. But I also have to remember that I am just an extra/supporting role charter in the grand scheme of things, in the story of this world. My life is a mini-series i guess and the rest of the movie is History. So I cannot point out my 10secs in the movie and say its about me; no it not about me or you its about Love, God and His Love. So I highly Suggest this book to you and any other Donald Miller Books... I plan to read another one of his books this summer.

A Series of Confessions: The Reason

This Past year I have learned a lot about myself; how i relate to myself, others and God. I have also learned about being real with people. These next series of posts I am going to be confessions of self, religion, thoughts, actions, and so on. These may dig up hard memories but part of living is acknowledging hurts and sharing them. I  am striving to be real, and real those around me. This is a step towards it. I am done with Facades and being fake. I am sick of.... just a lot of things and I need to express them. So the reason I started this blog was to put my thoughts out there; my confessions, convictions and contemplations. Here is a series of them that will just be that, nothing more or less. These are confessions of doubt and faith, love and hate and so on all based on the conviction of being real rather than an actor on a stage. This will also give me the opportunity to  contemplate things I have dealt with, am dealing with, and stuff I buried deep or put on the back burner. These post will be very "me-centered" and will be me preaching to myself. Therefore I apologize. Happy Days and God Bless you till we "meet" again on this blog to have a "conversation."

A Letter Home

Dear God, 

Thank you so much for your love and mercy and how you love me even in my sin. May I be moving forward, moving towards you and not backtracking; moving from my old self and the Pharisee I was and am now. May I work towards living with my thorn in my flesh and all the pain, suffering, and trials I face; May I count them joy. May I realize that I deserve Hell everyday and that anything else in this life or next is grace. Your Grace is enough, sufficient and all I need. May you teach me through any road, journey, or school you choose for me. I am wanting to be molded to your will, and the teaching of your son.Please Lord fill me, use me, and allow me to be used to glorify you by doing your work. Thank you for loving me and never giving up on me.


Love,
Me 

Love: Valentine's Day Reflection

Love.... 
Everyone "knows" has an idea of what love is, but if you ask anyone on the street to define it,  how to communicate it to another human being.We know nothing about love, absolutely nothing here in America about love, we fall in and out of love like its a fashion statement. We use love so loosely about loving this and that were years ago it would have been I like this, I enjoy that, or this pleases me. We have taken a word with so much meaning and power and have stripped it down to the level of a off-handed comment.The Greeks had four (4) words for love: agápe, éros, philía, and storgē; each had their own meaning and use.


For knowing so little about love we are fascinated with the thought of it, most of us are in love with the thought of being in love and idea of love. Just look at all the poems, movies, books, songs, art, and so on all portraying what "Love" is. Don't believe me, look at a lot of the pop culture; it is filled with love. Filled with love gained, love lost, falling into love, falling out of it, finding the one and finding out they are not the one. Love is everywhere else as well: it's in the air(especially now and in the spring), in our speech and actions.But love has so many meanings in today's English, we use it in the case of caring for, infatuation, likes, desire, and even use it in sarcasm. People always criticize others for using the word hate because "Hate is such a strong word." My response to this is "Love is a strong word and we use that loosely as well." This doesn't mean that it is right, or even justified, but rather this is a just to point out the flawed logic in the statement.


Now for a change in direction. Love is also one of the main attributes of a leader and a major part of a relationship. Love is hard to define but I want to define it as other(s) directed, and use the synonyms care and compassion to further the understanding of the definition. Love needs to be in a relationship to make a great leader just that, great.  I really want to stay away from all the cliché sayings like "what the world need now is love, sweet love," "give a little bit of your love...,"  or "All you need is Love" but we all need love, real love.  Love can be found anywhere there is a real, genuine relationship. It can be in a family, between friends, and so on as long as it is a reflection of the vertical love we both give and receive. We need both vertical and horizontal love in our lives. But God, Jesus, and the Bible (all Sunday school answers)  tell us to love our neighbors as ourselves and the enemies. G.K. Chesterton explains this well saying, "The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies, probably because they're generally the same people." Therefore I repeat LOVE: Love God, Love Others. (Matt. 22:34-40). 


I am still Learning how to do this by evidence of last night or rather really early this morning around 1 am. I wanted to go to bed and the guys in my hall were filming in my room, which I allowed them to.It was taking too long, in my opinion, to get a scene filmed and I was tired and irritated (not a good combo). Then I proceeded try to help so the scene could be filmed and I could go to bed. The got the scene filmed and I got to go to bed. This morning I checked my e-mail and found an e-mail confronting me on my attitude and my actions/words during this process. I realized that I was wrong and that I had sinned, this was not my first response though; the first response was to make excuses and defend myself against this light of truth from a brother who does not know me well. I have written an e-mail back saying that I would like to ask for his forgiveness and talk with him, face-to-face, whenever he is free and until then to please forgive me. This was a smack upside the head for me, another hey body you haven't arrived moment (thats two over the weekend). I do try to live out the Love God, Love Others idea but I lose sight of this every once and a while, and last night was one of those times. I forget love is a verb not a noun or adjective, or adverb, etc.; it is a constant action(s) and thought of mind. We, myself included, need to live like this at all times and remember what true love is: Love is patient Love is kind.... and so on. Therefore live out the word Love, for actions do speak louder than words. Happy Valentine's Day and may God bless you.

Love, Life, and Lost in a Land

Love life and Lost in a Land... it kinda sound like a book title, i would read a book with this title but hey to my knowledge this is just how to explain the happenings of my brain:

Love:
Well this month is the "month of  love" with Valentine's day in it and all. all the flower companies, card companies, chocolate companies, and stuffed animal companies all put out red, white and pink things that are overpriced to buy so you tell someone you love them. It is a good idea but shouldn't we be doing this everyday, the loving on people and caring about them not just buying things for them? Why most one day be celebrated in honor of Love? Love should be celebrated everyday, hour and minute you and I am alive. Love is one human emotion that is very hard to explain because in different contexts the word has a different context. The Greeks actually have four words our one word of Love. and i really want to stay away from all the cliché sayings like "what the world need now is love, sweet love," "give a little bit of your love...,"  or "All you need is Love" but we all need love, real love. Once again may I recite  just have to say is LOVE: Love God, Love Others. (Matt. 22:34-40)

Life:
Life is full of decisions and forks in the road.unfortunately the road moves under you whether or not you choose to move it moves for you. So as you move done the road be proactive in life, take life by the horns. Donald Miller wrote in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, “Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life.” Do not let fear or indecisiveness rule your life. Go live in God's creation and do something, anything, with in reason, that is pleasing to God. Make a decision, learn from it, rinse, lather and then repeat. Please do not sit on your but and watch the world, along with your world go by. Life is what you make of it but also remember that you have to rely on Him to make it through it.


Lost in a Land:
Technically its a flatland named Ohio. Last week I felt moody like a girl which was, mainly due to sleep deprivation I had. But right now I am dealing with some major issues, choices, and thoughts in my head right now. Depending on what happens this semester is what will be happening for the rest of my life. Someone said, this past summer, that this year would help define who I am for the rest of my life and thus far the statement has held true. I need to make some tough decisions in the next couple of weeks, Right now I am keeping my options open and trying to live out the two principles I laid out early in the post the "Love God , Love Others" idea and the Live life and just do something. Its hard and I am Trying which is all I can do. I am a Human Forgiven and Saved by Grace, trying and striving to Live like Christ. 

Tattoos and Taboos

So ever since this past summer I have wanted a tattoo, but not just any tattoo. I want one that has meaning and truth to it; one that is for me and not others as a constant reminder. I want one of the (biblical) Hebrew words for "forgiven". I am thinking about getting it in white ink on my left wrist. Now I bet everyone is asking something along the lines of, "What and why?". Well Forgiven because that describes what I am and who I am in Christ. Hebrew, well, because it looks cool, has a deeper meaning that way and people will ask what it says if they see it. White ink because it looks like a scar on the wrist reminding me what Christ went through for me to be Forgiven.

I was talking to my good friend Kaitlyn over Christmas break and she too wanted a tattoo. She wanted a wrist tattoo that stated "Reason for Everything". I found out this past week she got it; she just went out and got one. I am slightly jealous but not of the actual tattoo. I am more jealous of the freedom and ability to get a tattoo.Yes, it is my body and I too am free to get a tattoo but in my life there are a couple reasons why one like myself would not be able to get a tattoo. I am a Christian who is becoming a music teacher, or at least that's the plan. In some Christian circles it is taboo to have a tattoo or get a tattoo after becoming a follower of Christ. In addition some ministries will not hire you or use you if you have a tattoo or if you can not cover the tattoo. So whats the big deal some people ask well its the whole the body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and we are to conduct ourselves as such. As for the Teacher part it is harder to get a job as a teacher if you are not professional looking and that includes no visible piercing for males and no visible tattoos. It goes along with the I have authority over you and I dress professionally and act this way to show that I deserve respect and that I am your teacher.

I do, however, think its stupid to judge someone for having a tattoo and for it to be taboo for a Christian to have a tattoo. I understand the professionalism that is required to be a teacher and am okay with that.  I dress like a teacher now, well most of the time. I am "conservative" to the modern culture and probably don't come across as someone who wants or even has a tattoo. But really people  So I am planning on waiting till a break or graduation to get one as a "gift" or rather a reminder to myself. The whole point of my tattoo is that it is for me and a reminder to me, because there are times where I feel Horrible and am just need truth where I can see it at all times. Therefore I think getting it sooner rather than later would be a better idea, I just don't  know when I would get one so it could heal properly and such especially during the summer I am a Lifeguard. I need to just wait and see what happens, and i need to choose to get it, if I get it, when I am emotionally stable and clear mentally.

A Million Miles, A Cup of Coffee, and A Conversation Continued

Let start by apologizing for the length of the post, all the hyper links, and this post being about my ideas and thoughts getting on "paper". But a lot has happened over the past week, and most if not all was good. I finished this wonderful book by Donald Miller called A Million Miles In A Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life. This Book challenged me and also made me realize things in life. The book talks about a "good story"  and that fear hold us back from living out a good story. We also know, and he point out, that we as humans never hit a full climax with a resolution; we have mini-climaxes in our story building up to another story in our life, but always the story moves forward. I want to live a good story so when the credits role people remember me and have good things to say. But I also have to remember that I am just an extra/supporting role charter in the grand scheme of things, in the story of this world. My life is a mini-series i guess and the rest of the movie is History. So I cannot point out my 10secs in the movie and say its about me; no it not about me or you its about Love, God and His Love.

Which reminds me that I also had coffee with the Dean of Student Life Programs on Wednesday Right after having Lunch with my "mentee" that I have. With my mentee we talked about what was going on in our lives and i just gave some ideas and my perspective on things. Then like I  said I had coffee, and we talked about books, what was happening on campus and just different things in life. We talked about Donald Miller, and his books, and the end of our time He gave me a book entitled O me of little faith by Jason Boyett which is signed by the author. That same day My Dorm had the Continuation of the conversation we started in  MAN WEEK. We watched a clip of a very Blunt preacher talking about misconceptions of what it means to be a Man and the extremes that are taken. He Talked about these two extremes: the wimps and the chauvinist. The scary part is I see this in men and boys I live with, work with and am around where ever I go. In addition to all this I started a Book which I am half way done called The Masculine Mandate: God's Calling to Men. So I have had a lot on my mind in addition to all the homework and work I have had. Its exhausting but i am still going... i'm chugging along and the show is almost over. A lot happens in a short time here at college and I have thoughts, friends hurts, and my my own emotions or lack there of at times.

I guess what I am doing here is pointing out some thoughts I have to myself and trying to make sense of it all. so here is my conclusions thus far: I am God's representative to earth trying to live with in the call of God for my life (to work and keep) and his commandments (to Love God... Love Others and Go forth and make disciples). In doing so and actually doing something in light of that I will live a "good story" as I try to constantly walk "away from the person I was a moment ago."

I just am having a hard time with this but I am trying... I am slowly allowing change, for the better, to happen in my life influence from people I respect into my life and just take each day as a way to grow.

Just Because....

Normally when I start a post i have an idea or "outline" of how i want the post to go but sometimes the words come off my finger tips and don't follow exactly what i want them to say. But this is not a normal post this is a post I plan on just free writing, which I am doing right now. I am just writing not thinking, like they made me do in school in middle and high school mostly the teacher would set a timer and we could write anything we just had to write so i am just going to set a timer now for ten minutes and the following will be what comes out::

in 3....2.....1..... GO!

So I have been struggling in school recently not because the actual school work but because of the amount of work i have to do for the winter musical "Hello Dolly" its taking over and killing my life. I told a friend recently "I Know Dolly was a lot of things but I didn't know she was a blood sucking vampire" she laughed... but anyways I been going on a music binge of Pink mainly Raise your glass, so what, and F***ing Perfect (clean edit). I know what is a music major doing listening to a pop artist.... well to answer that question I say because i like the music, even if it isn't well written, the lyrics are good and speak to me. I just understand to a point of these lyrics because well they are true for most people. Pink talks about herself and just opens up and laughs at herself and I respect that. But anyways my musical taste change frequently and I tend to just go with the flow of what I am feeling. Before pink was symphonic metal bands. But to appease my eclectic tastes in music I put my i-Pod on shuffle and just listen skipping as few of the songs as I can, but some I cannot deal with at the time being. but anyways, wow I say that a lot, I was talking with my RD and had a great conversation about life, improvements character traits, books, and Hebrew, because I want a tattoo of "forgiven" in Biblical Hebrew. I am thinking of it as a white ink tattoo on my wrist or maybe a black ink tattoo on my bicep. I don't know, if i do get one it wont be till I graduate or a little before it, as a gift to myself. This idea for a tattoo has a lot of meaning for me and will be a constant reminder of well a lot, I might explain on a later date.

On a totally different note i have a lunch date and a coffee date on Wednesday back to back. The lunch date is with someone I am kinda sorta mentoring but not really and the coffee date is with the dean of student life programs. Its cool, he's cool, and I am looking forward to it. I need to finish reading my Donald Miller book; its sad I haven't finished it yet most likely because of Dolly. Wow, I am ADD in my writing and thinking....o well there goes the alarm so I am done..  I will now go back and fix any typos that occurred so you grammar/spelling/writers/critics will not bite my head off.

A 21st Birthday Tale

So today was, is my birthday, and i really didn't think about it too much because well its a birthday and no one really makes a big deal about birthdays anymore for me, nor do I make it an advertised thing.... Facebook did that.

I don't know about anyone else but birthdays and holidays have lost their childhood magic, the joy and mystery and the power of these days. So anyways I got sung to and got candles and said happy birthday to like 8 others who i share my birthday with. But i am sure everyone wonders what was my first drink? Well, I go to a "Christ Centered" University (aka Christian College) and therefore am not allowed to drink. Therefore I went to a friends house and had a pancake dinner and received a bottle of Sparkling White Grape Juice. the only alcohol I'm having tonight is NyQuil if I feel sick.

So Life on campus keeps moving forward and we just live it. Nothing really changes just the number of years you have lived. As i am getting older i am learning life is shorter than I thought. At a dinner playhouse they say "Life's short, start with dessert." they are right Life is short its a vapor in the grand scheme of time and all other things. Life is short so love is what I say, dessert is nice but love is better. So back to the theme of my life thus far,: "Love God, Love Others".

So I am finishing up the Bible and praying daily. I am just learning to live day by day and not worry about it too much, because I have God on my side. I need to actively work at life but God cares and works all thing s for good. Wow I got off track. Sorry about that my mind is all over the place. But When we celebrate life during birthdays and weddings we also have to remember part of life is death. Death can come at anytime for any reason. So I guess what I am saying is best said through song, because i'm a music major and not a writer.

Books, Books, and Yes More Books

Books, I love books don't you? They are marvelous things, books; they hold a vast amount of knowledge and can take you anywhere you like. Distract you from reality and take you to where imagination rules. They are great things books are, but they are not reality. So please don't confuse the two

I had a goal of reading the bible over this past year (1//1/10-12/31/10) from cover to cover (in chronological order for personal growth and not academic studies), but failed in the end. Therefore I am finishing the Bible now while I am dedicated top finishing that old goal and then I will start writing out the Bible in journals. I am planning to start in the Gospel of John. It is a simple Gospel but full of great insight from Jesus' Beloved. 

In addition to reading the Bible, I have a stack of books to read and i mean a stack of books; no they are not for school, that's a different stack. These are books I read for fun. and i just added like four (4) books to the list. and i have the two books I wanted read over this past summer that i put off, to read. but I get so excited over new books I read them first. So I just Finished two of the four books. I have Read Touching Godliness Through Submission by K.P. Yohannan and Just Do Something: How to Make a Decision Without Dreams, Visions, Fleeces, Open Doors, Random Bible Verses, Casting Lots, Liver Shivers, Writing in the Sky, etc. by Kevin DeYoung. I am now reading Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life then I plan to read The Masculine Mandate: God's Calling to Men by Richard D. Phillip. All along with the 18 credit hours I am taking and working. Sigh this is why I never have anytime to read or enjoy books anymore. I hope you all have a chance to read and learn something from the books in life.


Speaking of Life, Life is a story book that is blank; you are the author writing your own story in it. each day is a blank page, each year a new chapter in life.Are you living the story you would want to read, one that is inspiring or a good moral story, or a Story you would want to live out? Let life's road take you where you need to go and learn along the way but live life, don't just cruise along. So go live and learn from life, books, friends, mentors and other things.God Bless Your Journey. Enjoy!

The Limelight of Backstage

Being in the performing arts (majoring in music and minoring in theatre) I know the joys of being up on stage in the limelight. So since I was little I liked being the center of attention and the limelight was one way to be the center, in everyone's view, getting attention. And I have to admit that i still do love that limelight, we all do. We want some attention, some more than others, but we all want it. I wanted to grow up and be in show biz, either in Hollywood or on Broadway. Hey, a guy can have dreams, mine were being an actor.


But as time has gone on I have seen and been apart of the behind the scenes stuff; the stuff that makes the show actually go on. Not only in the performing arts but also in life. Just helping setting up, tearing down, cleaning up and just helping in easy ways to make whatever happened, will happen, or happening run smoothly. I have enjoyed helping whenever however possible. Its great seeing something come together by the hands of others as well as your own and getting little to no credit.


I enjoy helping others and caring for them; in my dorm i am a jack  of many trades. I am the masseuse, mom, dad, confidant, advice giver, guru, shoulder to lean on, hear to listen, and whatever else is needed. No i am not the RA or anything i am just wanting to be helpful. 


OK, so this started off as why you should not always take the limelight of center stage and has ended up with me taking center stage on backstage stuff... which goes to show we all like to be recognized and like being center of attention. Thus proving its harder than you think, and sometimes you just i don't know are selfish.


This post is very much about me and i guess i have more to work on in my life but I have been learning that sometimes doing work and not getting credit or doing work backstage is better...