This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.
Well in spite of "not having anything to post at the moment" I will post something.: A reflection if you will and a prayer. I had finished reading a book two months ago called O me of little faith by Jason Boyett. Also, in chapel on my campus there was a great speaker/pastor. He had spoke on counting trials, pain, and our "thorn in the flesh" pure joy. These two sermons with the addition of the book have caused me to think again. To think about how we as Christians who grew up in the church could be so hypocritical, lukewarm, cynical, and outright doubtful of things. I am one of those Christians; I am a bit cynical; I have doubts at times; I struggle and fail. Yet dispute all of this I am still Loved by God, one of His children, and a Christian. I'll put it this way, I am a passive-aggressive rebellious child of God, who every once and a while needs a reminder of the fact of the matter is still a Christian. This is kinda one of the reasons I want a Tattoo, but until that day comes I have been writing on my wrists with pen: on the left it says "Forgiven" and on the right "Loved". This allows me to see them and be reminded constantly that I am Loved and Forgiven by God and I am his; especially during the "face-palm" situations I have. I need to remember that I am a sinner saved by grace or how my pastor put it today in church, "I am a recovering hypocrite."
So in light of that last paragraph over this past school year I have noticed some trends in my life and here are some of the findings. I find that when I am in a routine, getting enough sleep, low stress, and so on I tend to be a better person. I tend to deal better with people, and not be fake. I hate being fake, it makes me feel like I am an actor playing this character rather than a human being, living and breathing outside of the theater. It takes Shakespeare's quote "All the worlds a stage, And all the men and women merely players:" to a whole new level. I almost feel like the actor in me never turned off. I have also realized that when I don't get sleep and I am stressed, I don't spend time with God and if it is is mediocre at best. At this point I start depressed, cynical, and for lack of any other term, "Blarg." I need the very friends I push away and shut myself in a dark place away from others. I then feel alone and unwanted and unloved; I start to compare myself to who I want to be or to others and become a shell or a ghost of who I am and who I want to be.
I Deal with these feelings of depression, being unloved, alone, and unwanted even in a room full of friends or people I know. I am human, broken and afflicted living in a broken world and both it and I have been marred by sin. Yet there is Redemption and Reconciliation. I am not alone at all; I am not unwanted or unloved. For One can never be too high to not need salvation and love nor can one ever be too low to receive salvation and love.
Dear Father,
You are great and mighty, you have laid the foundations of the earth and are the "cosmic-glue" that holds everything together. You know my heart, my deeds, and my thoughts and yet you love me anyway. Thank you for that. Thank you for your Son and that he died but also raised again that I too could be raised up and be apart of your Kingdom. I Pray for all those in the south who have lost their homes, loved ones, and livelihood. I pray for the pastors, allow them to care for your sheep there as you would. Please let the Christian Community rise up among these hurting people and show them Your love and Your Kingdom. "Lord, may Your Kingdom come and your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven," and may I be apart of your work.
Love, ME
