Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving the official start to the holidays and the unofficial start of Christmas and all that goes with it. A time to spend with your family and friends. A time when in the company of love ones we are able to gorge ourselves and talk and have a good time; that is if the home life is like that. Unfortunately not everyone I know nor everyone in America has that opportunity. But we do all have the opportunity to be thankful. So this post is just a chance for me to say what I am thankful for...

1. My Faith/God: For all the time when I was down, depressed, or needed someone I always had God to turn to even after I would turn away from him
2. My Family: For always being there, supporting me through whatever means possible and pushing me to be the be the best that I could be
3. My Friends: For putting up with me, for loving me for who I am, for being there for me when i needed a friend and reminding me that I am loved when i forget
4. My Mentors: For showing me what it means to be a man, talking things through with me, allowing me to be part of their lives, and for just pushing me to be a better person. 
5. Camp: For being my home away from home, being a place where I could grow up physically and spiritually, as well as being my own never-land 
6. Cedarville: For the atmosphere, the people, the strive for growth  both spiritually and mentally.
7. Art: For being my outlet for my emotions, for giving me words that for my soul, and expression for who I am.
8. Books: For the infinite knowledge and stupidity that they hold and plan to share with us.
9. Deep Conversations: This allows ideas and opinion and truths be shared between 
10. Food: For the sustenance that is provided for me and I am able to eat and stay healthy from, also, i could not think of anything to be thankful, but still God provides for the basic needs, which I am Thankful for.

Lacrimosa, Lockerbie, Life, & Loneliness

Let me be my cliche self and post a couple quotes and a song:

It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.  ~Ovid

Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water.  ~Antoine Rivarol

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.  ~Christian Nevell Bovee

Lacrimosa by Karl Jenkins 

As I have been alluding to but never really  saying is I am going through pain and grief for someone who is not yet dead but will be. I wanted to cry but couldn't, I wanted to deal with it but didn't know how. Until tonight (11/6), I let myself cry, a flow of rain to form a river to cleanse my heart. I went go see the STP, Senior Theatre Project (the Capstone Project),  of the week presented by two friends of mine. The show was the Women of Lockerbie. A story of grief, pain, death, faith, and healing. It spoke to me, it did and it just opened the flood gates and made me laugh, booth needed to cleanse my heart and let all the festering emotions out that i couldn't because i didn't have an outlet for them or a reason for them to be expressed. After the Show I wept bitterly and freely on the shoulder of a friend as she hugged me and played mother, she was good for that. I thanked the cast for the outlet and expressing through their art what I wanted to say and how I felt.

Life, like the show must go on as the weeks went, days bleed into each other, sleep came and went, not always there for me, so waited for it as I wondered the hall, after rehearsals and homework and the avoidance of homework. Caring more about those around me who are hurting than myself, for they needed someone and I could get some healing from the helping of others. For I am to Love God and Love Others, as my theme is going for the year and probably the rest of my life. Yet, I needed to heal again, waiting for death to come is a hard thing to prepare for towards the end of a semester, when the person who will die is loved and was supposed to spend the holidays with you. But I want pain and suffering to end for him, but it still doesn't change that it will hurt and does hurt now. My Friends are the greatest, rallying around me and caring for me, asking how I am doing, and praying for me. which Reminds me Prayer is amazing; it allows me time to be with God and talk with him and pray for others and myself. As my crazy life continues I need to be grounded and holding fast to the Rock. But even with all this comes Loneliness, and I am never actually alone. I am surrounded by people, but i feel cut off. I feel like I am just floating in a sea of faces, lost, confused and forgotten. It is just a feeling but it happens to come up just when it would hurt the most. So, I have to remind myself I need to reach out to people who care and want to help... so I did and got Kitty therapy from a 6 week kitten named Indy and it made my Sunday so much better because i just released a lot of stress which lightened my burdened heart. Yet there are other thing that hang heavy on heart which I need to deal with before thanksgiving.... but that is another post.

I feel Better, and I have to Run to class. But As I am in Production week for a Show and I try to deal with things as well as Invest in those around me, I will try to stay strong, and as i always tell people, " Just Keep Swimming".

In the Company of My Mind

May I just off by saying Happy Guy Fawxes Day Everyone...

"Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot..."

But now on to real topic of this post is really about and the the real cliche quote to begin this blog post:

“Thinking is the greatest torture in the world for most people.” -Author Unknown

 Its so true, whether or not the person hates to think, reason, and/or if they are are afraid of thinking, it is a very true statement of America and the Western culture. There is so much sensory input from all the technology and and the more ADD our culture is we "need" or rather want people to think for us. That way do not have to exercise our brain, or even grow up at times... but now i am rambling and ranting and not getting anywhere.

We as a people myself included cower at the thought of being alone with our thoughts especially when we need to think through something or something hard comes into our lives. I am guilty of this i will play music, write a paper, read a book, blog posts, anything to not be alone with my thoughts. Last night i roamed the halls of my dorm doing anything to avoid going to my dark room and lying there alone, besides my thoughts and my then sleeping roommate. I held conversations about anything, sang happy birthday to someone's mom and just went till i could just fall asleep in seconds of hitting the pillow. This pattern has continued through the day. I do not have an outlet or a reason yet for me to cry but every once and a while I well up but cannot cry, even though I want to desperately. I think this will all end when my grandpa has gone home to heaven and I can come to terms with reality and what has happened. It will be a bittersweet happening but it's part of life. I don't know what to do and I am so afraid of sitting in the dark with thoughts, thoughts that won't stop or leave me alone. Thoughts that eat away at the core and cause me to question everything. Thoughts which no one who is grieving or knows they will have to deal with. Yet here I am, alone in a dark room with my thoughts both in my head and on my computer screen.

The only things that are keeping me sane are as follows:

1. God
2. The Bible
3. Friends
4. Music
5. Blogging
6. Prayer

Without those in my life I DO NOT know what my life would be like, nor do I want to think about that, but it probably be worst and painful. I hate to end this post like this but this is all i got and all I can do today.

You are Not Alone in the Valley

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4 

My last post was about both storms and "storms" we encounter in life and funny that at church on Sunday we talk about just that. The pain/depression in life and how we are to deal with it. And by the way I am and was talking to myself when I am writing about storms in life. We all are human. We all experience pain and depression as much as happiness and joy. We are not supposed to go through it alone, and we are not alone in our feelings. We have feelings and need to express them. Yet when we are depressed we wallow, cut ourselves off and build walls around us. We hide there; not wanting anyone around, but secretly  wanting to be found. Found by someone, anyone who cares and reaches out a hand to lift us from our valley fortress of solitude and loneliness.

We are never alone, we are sometimes to blind to see the others there in their own fortress in the same land as us. We may say no one does care, no one sees me, or no one can know whats going on. We all have a different view on our life and on those around us. But you are never alone, there are people who care and are reaching out,  including the Creator of the Heavens and Earth, God. We may not see this because we only see the storm in front of us, and the waves, the rain and wind in our face, and the thunder and lightening and thunder making sure we know the storm is there. The friends and family who try to help but only hinder us come around us and give us the typical cliche sayings, all of them we know in our mind and have probably have used ourselves, yet they are not what we need nor are the comforting. We know these things are true but they do not feel like they are true in our hearts in the time of grief, pain and depression.

I don't want to say I have all the answers or any answers at all, but i know what has work for me and they are as follows:

1. Read the Psalms, they are real prayers and crying out to God, like Psalm 42 and 43
2. Give yourself permission to ask "Why?", and ask God "Why?"
3. Tell yourself those cliche things you know that are true, no how stupid you feel
4. Find someway of expressing yourself, either by music, poetry, talking, visual art, let the feelings out and not fester inside of you.
5. Anything else that is not harmful or destructive that helps.
6. Finally let people in who care, and find someone(s) who will always be there for you

I can no honestly say that I am now talking to myself. My Grandpa is and has been in the hospital the past couple of weeks. He originally went in for dehydration and then went back later because he wasn't feeling well and they found a blood clot in his leg on Sunday they did a CAT Scan and found fluid around his lungs and in his stomach. Now he is on oxygen. We are as close as we could be and its kinda depressing that he is this sick but he is 92, and my grandma has been dead for almost three years. I am trying not to work my worries away by busing myself and I am trying not to be a hypocrite and wear the Christian Facade but be real. So I am taking my own advice, I am on my knees with God, I am being open with friends about the situation, I am Staying in the Bible, and I am Listening to helpful songs. I find these songs to be helpful:

•  Kathy Troccoli's Psalm 23
•  Amy Grant's Better Than A Hallelujah
• Superchic[k]'s Stand In The Rain
• Karl Jenkin's Adiemus
• Kuroshio Sea - 2nd largest aquarium tank in the world - (song is Please don't go by Barcelona) (this is just a video i find relaxing)
• Castring Crowns' Praise You in This Storm 

Again I Do Not and Cannot Say I Have All The Answers or Any Answers Really At All. But I hope this helps.

The Storm(s)

 So on October 26 2010, there was  a Tornado Warning that turned to a Tornado Watch for the town my college is in and the surrounding area. All of the students were hoping and praying that it would be an over glorified wind storm that would knock out the power for a day or two so that classes would be canceled. Yet as the storm picked up from a strong wind to a torrential down pour as well as the the strong wind. Thunder and lightning added to the effect and the power of the storm. As the mass phone calls, e-mails, and text messages were sent out from the campus police there was some panic but mostly movement to a safe shelter in the buildings. I was in the music department where there are multiple tornado shelter areas. We, the music staff and students, were sitting in the music major lounge and talking. Some of us more brave went outside under a over hang to experience the storm. The torrential down pour and wind made the visibility very poor. The wind was throwing leaves, pushing trees, throwing rain every which way. I was amazed the sheer power of storm and was in awe of all that was happening. I left and went back inside and waited for the Tornado Watch to be lifted. As I was waiting, I was listening to Karl Jenkin's Requiem: Dies Irae. After the Watch was lifted and the calm started to come in, slowly but surely. The rain slowed and the wind started to die down. All of the campus started to come back alive and move into the next hour of life.

We went on with our lives and were slightly dismayed at the thought of classes starting again. We just went through a terrible storm. We talked about the epic happenings, our terror stories of being crammed in rooms and hallways. But no one talked about it much beyond that. The implications of the tornado nor the the strength and power of the storm that was nor that could be. We never even thought about the implications of that all authority, over all of the Earth and its workings, is God's which is given to Christ Jesus. AS I thought about this idea, I remembered a post I stated writing last semester, but never finished nor published. I was writing it in early April, it is as follows:

Yesterday here at college there was this awesome storm.It was a giant Thunderstorm and it was beautiful. Some are afraid of the storm but me on the other hand love to watch them. As a kid my brothers and I would open the garage door and set up chairs and just sit there and watch the storm; the rain falling and covering every surface it could reach, the lightning lighting up the dark sky, and the rolls of thunder always there to help us figure how far away the storm was.

Since I live in a dorm, it is hard to do that, plus I was working on homework at the time of the storm. But as soon as the rain stopped, I went outside. It was BEAUTIFUL!!!!! The storm was all around but the rain was gone, and you could see was flashes of lightning lighting up the sky and showing all the dark clouds blocking out the sky. The lightning turned the clouds around it a nice rich purple hue and the rolls of thunder coming a long way off was reassuring of the storm was near but the rain gone. The power and strength of the storm near and threatening but not bearing down upon me.


I thoroughly enjoy the rain, and all the life it brings to the dead world in Spring Time. I am just in awe of the beauty of the earth, even under the curse and being broken, it shouts, points to, and declares the LORD's Majesty, Strength, and Creativity. 

 I would have to say the same is true in the face of the a storm that threatens destruction.For me the phrase and the song, I Will Praise You in the Storm,  took on a more literal meaning for me, rather than a poetical one during this storm. I am always in awe of the power and majesty of storms and their creator. When I think about it, a force of nature which can destroy me, has to obey the LORD's command. The LORD that saved me, who loves me, and provides for me even in the midst of the the "storms" in life. The problems, the pains, and all other tribulations in life where we only see whats in front of us and not the full picture. We may observe the power and the works of God on the other side of the storm but very rarely do we think about the power and the behind the scenes works that are going on as they are happening. But vision is 20/20 in hindsight, and its easier to see the working and the effects of  the storm when the storm dies and the light illuminates the happenings/effects of the storm.

Just a thought, something to ponder next time a storm or a "storm" comes and disturbs our lives.

To Be A Man...

"To be a Man: You must be swift as the coursing river; With all the force of a great typhoon; With all the strength of a raging fire; Mysterious as the dark side of the moon" -From Disney's Mulan

One of my favorite Disney songs and a very good example of how we in the western culture view what it means to be a man, even with the allusions to the East. And what does it actually mean to be a man? All young men and boys are seeking to find this out as well as some "men". 


Two now going onto three weeks ago my dorm put on an event called "Man Week." The week in question, allows the guys of  the dorm to be challenged and to start a conversation on what does it REALLY mean to be a MAN? We had "Man Challenges" where we exhausted the stereotypes of manhood, such as eating and feats of strength and then had a speaker give us his take on manliness and manhood. We were focusing on one verse "Act like MEN: Be Strong, Do Everything in Love." - I Corinthians 16:13-14 (my version of the text). We were discussing the many facets of love and how most people don't equate love with being strong.

Once again my whole Love God, Love Others has popped up. (side note, I feel like God has been pounding this into my head lately). We were all challenged with the idea of self-sacrificing love to those around us, our families, and to our wives in the future. We need to give and give and give with no thought of ever seeing a return. We also talked about cruciformity (conforming to the crucifixion) , service, humility; how it takes a strong man to embody these virtues, and how it actually, probably takes a man relying solely on God's strength being worked out in him to embody these traits.

Looking back on what was discussed and what was observed on what Men look like I know that all men are made for greatness of some form, and we do not want to be any creature other creature other than a man. We don't want to be a pig, a gorilla, an ape, or a weasel. We want to be... loved, respected, validated, and a man. Yet as a boy we have no idea on when we become a man, how to become a man, or what to do when we reach manhood, and it is a scary, scary thing. We want to know and normally we look to our role models, mainly our fathers, and other males in our live. Also, we look up like our favorite superheroes, action heroes in the movies or on TV.  But where does this lead us? Sometimes down the wrong road; some of us, myself included, don't have a father around or one that is a great role model. Where and to whom should we turn to? There a bunch of books that talk about manhood, what it looks like and how we reach it; what the nature of manhood is. Yet I feel, like everything else in life, you can talk and think about it all you want but you will not do any good till you actually do something about it. So where do you turn and what do you do once you learn what manhood is?

Unlike other cultures we do not not have a rite of passage for a boy to become a man, a catalyst to propel the boy to become a man and take all the responsibilities of it. It forces the boy to grow, challenge himself, his thought, beliefs, and ideas. It causes him to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and/or in maturity. My rites of passage are not ideal at best but there are what they are. First, I had to grow up pretty quickly when my parents separated, and yet wanted to hold on to my childhood. It was hard and I am who I am because all of the happenings. In addition I went through a Counselor in Training program known as LGP, or Leadership Growth Program, at camp. I was challenged, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and that changed who I was to the path leading to where I am today. Yet I am still searching what it means to be a man in a world were a male can just be a guy and never really reach manhood, sure he may reach adulthood legally based on how old he is, but never become a man.We as males are asked where are all the men? Honestly, I don't know, most are taken while most have just not reached that level of growth in maturity, myself included I have to say.

Manhood: something I am still trying to figure out on my journey through life.  One thing is Sure and it is "I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago... " -Donald Miller

The Summer and Summer Loving

Due to work, lack of time and lack of a computer I was unable to post and I even forgot i had a blog till now. funny yes I know but its the sad truth. Over the summer my goal was to read the book St. Augustine's Confessions, and failed; instead I read Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper, God Will Make a Way by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life by Dr. Henry Cloud. 

I worked as a Lifeguard back home in the County owned pool and taught swim lessons to kids. My vacation from this craziness was a glorious week back at camp as a camp counselor. So I got paid to yell at people and tan, at work and volunteered to do that at camp. Actually, at both work and camp my Goal and plan was to Love and Love On those who I worked with, served, and looked after. I certainly had my good days and bad days with this but that was my lesson for the year and summer, LOVE. Love God and Love Others, the two greatest commandments of the Bible, according to Jesus in Matt. 22:34-40. It was that simple, or so I thought. It was tough, Love is giving freely of yourself and no expecting things in return, love is patient, kind, holds no record of wrong, etc., but in the hot son when everyone is irritable it is hard to love the co-worker who has "screwed" you over, or the patron who is yelling at you because you told them that their child cannot be in the pool with out a swim diaper. 

But above all these petty little things, I had to look how I loving those who were closest to me. This didn't hit me till towards the end of the summer, due to the reading of God Will Make A Way. Because of that book kicking me in the butt I started looking hard and fast at relationships and the lack-there-of. I started praying for God to do what he wanted with my life and for me to have wisdom to make the right choices for and in the future. Let me just warn you now, if you pray for this and truly mean it, it won't be a cake walk in candy-land. God took my prayer and answered it with love, tough love. I had many decisions to make and a short time to make them. I had to figure out if I would be able to return to college, decide on whether or not I should stay with my girlfriend, and how to rebuild my relationship with my father and everything that went with all that and on top of it. 

So life stunk a little but in the end it all worked out for good. My girlfriend and I are now ex-boyfriend and girlfriend but not ex-friends. We  are working on being friends still but at least we talk. My dad and I are now working on having a relationship that works instead of pretending we actually had one. I am back at college with all the perks of being a student. Life marches on and I am faced with many many challenges like to change or not to change majors in my junior year. I was actually depressed for a couple days, but I am better and God love me this broken vessel that I am. O and that whole Love God and Love Others thing, well the Student Activities Board is selling Bracelets that say that exact thing... funny how sometimes God has to beat us over the head with something. So now that i have rambled on abut my summer and lack-there-of i just have to say is LOVE: Love God, Love Others.