Boxing Day: A Reflection

"Take it all down, Christmas is over
But do not despair, but rather be glad
We had a good year, now let's have another
Remembering all the good times that we had
Oh no more lights glistening
No more carols to sing
But Christmas, it makes way for spring
Though hearts of man are bitter in weather
As cold as the snow that falls from above
But just for one day we all came together
We showed the whole world that we know how to love
Oh no more lights glistening
No more carols to sing
Oh remember that Christmas, it makes way for spring" -Relient K

Well Christmas was yesterday and we have made it through another year, survived the crazy shopping, driving, eating, baking, sleeping or lack of that, and for all the college student and I Finals.....

So what have we learned, what have we done this past year? It has been 365 days since last year's Christmas, and what have we changed in ourselves, the people around us and the world?

Its a sobering thing watching the news of the past year... we had the Gulf incident, the Winter Olympics, Hatti's Earthquake, and all the marriages, divorces and deaths of celebrities. Its also sobering looking back on what has happened in my own life in the past year, I have laughed, cried, grew, stumbled, was depressed, took life by the horns and fell to the wayside. I have grown so much but I have so much more to learn...

One of my Favorite quotes is "I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago... " -Donald Miller, and That is my Goal in life but I want to add to it by saying, "I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago..." and moving closer to the Savior of my soul.  I want to do this as I continue to try to live out the Greatest Commandment: "Love God... Love Others." And this is my New Years Wish, Resolution, thought, Hope, Whatever, to live out what I just Wrote.

I Plan to do it through:

1. Journaling (both personally and the Bible)
2. Prayer
3. Fellowship with Other Believers
4. Prayer
5. Mentors
6. Living and Learning

 Let me Leave you with this from Relient K's I Celebrate the Day for this is exactly how I feel writing this blog post; Till next Year:

"And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be..." -Relient K

Finals and "Home"

Normally I try to post on this blog about once a week, but life happens and you cannot always get  what you want. The main reason I have not posted since 12/5 is because of finals and work.

So i had seven papers/finals and i got them all completed!!!! with some help from friends, food, baked goods from a group of ladies from a church and sleep, it all got completed. Huzzah for a weight was lifted! I won and now am "home."

I say "home" because it is where I mainly grew up and where my family is. It is/was my home, but i live now out of a suitcase here.... I explained this on an older post but will restate it:

So I have come to the realization that I have three or four "homes" but no home or a place to call a home. I feel like the man from the movie The Terminal, a man with country  recognized by anyone just living in a terminal of an airport waiting to go on with my life and have a home again. Let me explain, I went "home" for thanksgiving to be with family and returned "home" to school.  Over the Thanksgiving break I went up to camp my "home" away from "home" and had fun. Yet, I have no home to call home. If I am not making sense and just rattling on I apologize but this is what is going on. I find I only have one true Home, that is Heaven, and I wish I was there so badly away from this horrid place called earth, the shadow of what it should and could be... They do say that the home is where your heart is, and mine is in fifty different places and my mind in a million more, the only place my heart is and longs to be is Heaven and it is getting hard to live this heavy heart and yet living without it at the same time.

Well it maybe sad but think about it, I am 20 living in two different places a year, neither of which is my own, no space to call my own. I live in a space and time of waiting... waiting to move on in life to what some college students call the "real world" and "real life." But real life and the real world is what we are living in right now... it doesn't start when you graduate you are living in it now....

Well living in it has also some problem areas, like dealing with death. My grandfather died today at 9:30 am; We found out on the way to church of all places, huh. So we get to church and every time the pastor talks about dealing with death within the message he looks right where my family is sitting. It was weird but im ok.... I am happy that he was called to heaven in his sleep and is suffering no more, I have already grieved for him once but i will probably mourn for him again at the memorial service next week; i am ok and will be fine. Until i write again....

Where is the manual for this?

A lot of seniors are now standing at a crossroad in their life. They are realizing that they will graduate in a semesters time and then its off to the  "Real World;" whether it be a job, armed forces, or grad school they are deciding what is the next step in life.

Life is full of choices, situations, challenges, work, family, friends, school, and other stuff. So where is the manual for it? Everything else pretty much comes with some form of instructions or users manual, whether we read it or not its there. Why doesn't a baby come with a owner's manual? Why don't we get book called "The Guide to Your Life" when we hit high school?  Why don't we get help in making these tough life decisions?

At times I feel like going, "Hey God some Help here... Maybe you can do that whole writing on the wall thing again or maybe you can call text or Facebook me what I'm suppose to do here." I know that the Bible is the manual to life, but its more like a general guide to life, a way to live it not a "on December 16th ask out so and so and this will lead to marriage, and avoid you know who at all costs they are a bad influence; Or you will be doing this for your life so make sure you do x, y, and z and apply to here for your career."  No instead of a nice map of a direct route through life we have a field guide and a compass, the Bible and The Holy Spirit.

Most of us have felt this way before, calling out to God saying, "OK God what your plan for my Life send me a sign, show me Your Will for my Life." But here is the Thing, God's will is for us to fulfill the greatest commandment and the Great Commission; We are to live like Christ and strive to. As long as we are doing that we are living with in the will of God. We are not going to get a fleece, a dream, a sign or signal from on what direction to take. So rather than praying for God to reveal this secret will for our lives, lets pray for wisdom to make the right, beneficial, and wholesome decisions at all times and to choose the best one when we are faced with two equally appropriate choices.

So as much as I would like to have God say each morning, "Good morning, Dave. Today I have willed for your Life this." Well maybe not every morning say that (but it would be helpful),it ain't going to happen! So now why I have said this. I am at a crossroad in my own life. I need to decide about, summer jobs, senior year, maybe switching my major, what to do after graduation, and well life on a day to day basis. I sat down to figure this all out and it was overwhelming... I know what I would like to do and what would actually be possible. I want to Teach, or something like that because i want to help shape the future through the shaping of lives. I also, want to continuously learn; I want to get at this point, call me crazy, at least three master degrees:

• One in music (theory or musicology),music ed, and/or education
• One in Theatre
• One from a Seminary either an M. Div and/or Th.M.

Wow three Totally different thing but all things I am interested in. So here's the plan, Marry someone rich and do what I want... Plan B well thats still in the works at the moment but no matter what I have my Rock to cling to and He will always be there for me. One of the books on my Reading list isJust Do Something: How to Make a Decision Without Dreams, Visions, Fleeces, Open Doors, Random Bible Verses, Casting Lots, Liver Shivers, Writing in the Sky, etc.by Kevin DeYoung. Everyone who I've talked to who has read it says it is worth while. So I will suggest a book I haven't read yet... why because I CAN, and I just did.

Musings and The Radio in My Head

Today in church this song of all songs popped into my head, it was random but the lyrics to the chorus fit exactly how I was feeling and fit what the message was saying. This is who I see myself as at times in my life and walk; The song was Katy Perry's "Hot N Cold"; the chorus is as follows:

"Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white...
(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(but you) But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down"

I have come to realize, no come to accept and acknowledge that I am very much controlled by my emotions and the circumstances around me. I sometimes feel very emotional and those emotions, whether good or bad, control me; that is until I realize how ridiculous I am being.

This being said I have come to realize, accept, and/or acknowledge that this also effects my faith and daily walk with Him who created and saved me. I am very easily swayed or distracted from my personal walk. This actually causes a vicious cycle of life for me. I know my days are infinitely better if I am in communion with God and am fully relying on Him; If I am not in communion with Him, through prayer, scripture reading, and other spiritual disciplines, I end up becoming emotional, in a bad way. I become callused, hurt, depressed, angry, or some other emotion, which leads me not to my knees but away from that and towards some destructive activity, thoughts, or other and brings me back to the place I have left and hadn't wanted to return to which starts those emotions again. Then cycle starts over and over again but in a downward spiral pattern.

How sad it is. I will be on Fire for the Lord and slowly let it fade to almost nothing, then being kicked in the butt or smacked upside the head and change and to let the fire grow to a blaze again only to allow it to fade. It all starts with how much sleep and the quality of it, homework, friends, stress, and other stuff taking priority over what really matters; it's quite sad actually.

In Church the Pastor quoted someone in the congregation; they stated, "...We didn't invite Christ into our lives but He invited us into His life." We need to remember that if we think we invited Him into our lives like we do to our friends, jobs, and stuff, He become just becomes one of the many things we have invited into our lives. He becomes just another thing among a bunch of stuff. We become wishy washy and can be discouraged by life; we go back to where we came from. But if in spite of this we press on, and cling to Christ we will move forward.

So I guess I just rambled on about my thoughts and they probably don't make much sense but hey my mind doesn't always make sense... but I am going to try to press on and with my new view of who I am and in light of what I said I will leave you with this, "Pressing On" by Relient K.

The Day of Firsts

Today is the First of December, The First Snow Fall on Campus, and the First Night of Hanukkah; What a wonderful Joyous day.

I know I've been very "emo" in my posts, but today is a new day, a new post, and another start to trying to be more like Christ. today in Chapel we had a day of worship, and as I was singing, I starting to actually worship, break down, and call out to my Savior. This is the first time I've done this a while and doing so I realized something. I realized that I need a length of time to just be silent and be with God an extended bit of time. A time to just worship, confess, pray, and sit at his feet. The more I learn about myself the less I like who I am; I am needy, self-adsorbed, sinful, and some many other things; Yet God still loves me.

I  look around at other believers around me, both older and younger in the faith, and see their hearts on fire for God, how I long for that. I have been churched to the point of being a hypocrite, I am a modern day Pharisee; I am a part of the modern synagogue, saying come to me for God and I'll tell to do X, Y, and Z and not A, B, and C while I am doing A, B, and C. I want to want to live out what I believe, I want to be the hands and feet of Christ.

Which reminds me of a quote a friend posted on Facebook today:

"If the church gets overrun with homosexuals, that would be terrific. They can take their place in the pews right next to the liars, gossips, and materialists."- Ed Dobson

I know this is an over kill but it reminds us we are all sinners and cannot think ourselves better than those "tax collectors" and "Gentiles". We are just like them in the fact we are sinners; we just have been given God's Grace and we can impart share some with the tax collectors and gentiles in our life.

Dear God, 
Thank you so much for your love and mercy and how you love us even in our sin. May I be moving forward, moving towards you and not backtracking; moving from my old self and the Pharisee I was and am now. Please Lord fill me, use me, and allow me to be used to glorify you by doing your work. 
Love,
Me 

Hugs and Home Wanted...

"If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
But it's getting oh so hard
To spend these days
Without my heart" -Relient K

As usual I have started with a quote, how cliche; o well. But this is how I feel; I am just so out of it,

So I have come to the realization that I have three or four "homes" but no home or a place to call a home. I feel like the man from the movie The Terminal, a man with country  recognized by anyone just living in a terminal of an airport waiting to go on with my life and have a home again. Let me explain, I went "home" for thanksgiving to be with family and returned "home" to school.  Over the Thanksgiving break I went up to camp my "home" away from "home" and had fun. Yet, I have no home to call home. If I am not making sense and just rattling on I apologize but this is what is going on. I find I only have one true Home, that is Heaven, and I wish I was there so badly away from this horrid place called earth, the shadow of what it should and could be. Yet I don't have the heart or the will power to do anything to speed up the trip to home; I am a wuss and care to much about those who I would hurt if I went Home. They do say that the home is where your heart is, and mine is in fifty different places and my mind in a million more, the only place my heart is and longs to be is Heaven and it is getting hard to live this heavy heart and yet living without it at the same time. I spent a night over a friends house where it seemed like their life was "perfect", now I know no one is perfect but I wanted that feeling of the family, that I kinda wished I always had when i was younger and I moped for a while.Ugh!

The best way I can express this frustration is by this:

I am a cesspool of emotions, contradictions, and hurt, 

Love, hate, hope, lies and worth;

Fighting for a way out, but no way is found.

Thus it just tosses and turns and causes distress,

Sleepless nights, self-pity, and stress.

Sleep come to me and let me dream this away,

Till this storm passes or forever and a day.

 I just wrote this; wow, I haven't written poetry in forever and I feel slightly better now. I want to love and be loved but want to be shallow and not open up. I want to be part of a group but separate myself. I am that guy who anyone can talk to about their problems but share my own, who tells himself he is a part of the group even though he feels like he is on the outside looking in whether or not he is, and the guy who wants the spotlight but wants to be left alone, who wants to stand and yell and curl up on the floor and cry.I am the guy who is what he is and accepts it, and wouldn't change a thing and yet wants a different life.

I want to express all I am feeling but everything can be put into words or I just won't let them out yet. I am taking it day by day, but I will say this " I want my mommy!" and I need a hug.

Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving the official start to the holidays and the unofficial start of Christmas and all that goes with it. A time to spend with your family and friends. A time when in the company of love ones we are able to gorge ourselves and talk and have a good time; that is if the home life is like that. Unfortunately not everyone I know nor everyone in America has that opportunity. But we do all have the opportunity to be thankful. So this post is just a chance for me to say what I am thankful for...

1. My Faith/God: For all the time when I was down, depressed, or needed someone I always had God to turn to even after I would turn away from him
2. My Family: For always being there, supporting me through whatever means possible and pushing me to be the be the best that I could be
3. My Friends: For putting up with me, for loving me for who I am, for being there for me when i needed a friend and reminding me that I am loved when i forget
4. My Mentors: For showing me what it means to be a man, talking things through with me, allowing me to be part of their lives, and for just pushing me to be a better person. 
5. Camp: For being my home away from home, being a place where I could grow up physically and spiritually, as well as being my own never-land 
6. Cedarville: For the atmosphere, the people, the strive for growth  both spiritually and mentally.
7. Art: For being my outlet for my emotions, for giving me words that for my soul, and expression for who I am.
8. Books: For the infinite knowledge and stupidity that they hold and plan to share with us.
9. Deep Conversations: This allows ideas and opinion and truths be shared between 
10. Food: For the sustenance that is provided for me and I am able to eat and stay healthy from, also, i could not think of anything to be thankful, but still God provides for the basic needs, which I am Thankful for.