A Series of Confession: I Need Christ More than I Admit

To have a full understanding of this post and the series it is apart of please read the Reason.

Its been a very long time since ive blogged and it upsets me... I am too busy... too independent... too dumb... and I need this as a stress release as well as a way to express my ideas and feelings and organize them.

Yet i need God more than i want to admit or let on even to myself. I Need him everyday and yet everyday i dont always act that way. I am independent dont trust anyone because they will fail me and i will have to work harder anyway. I just cannot sit still and relax. I become anxious. I have to do something... anything. Probably why I am stressed, always busy, and I cannot say no. Thus leading to sleep deprivation and hard time sleeping in general.

But any who i just expect my hard work to work out in the end. God gave ,me this talent, I use it, I do the work, ME, ME, ME, I, I, I... I don't see a line of black and white but rather a mist, a grey area where the two over lap and I assume that its my area to work in and take control and let my kingdom come. I have to learn when I pray, "Your Kingdom come" that automatically my kingdom has to go. I have a hard time doing this because I am an artist, a writer, a musician, an actor, a director... I love the arts. In these worlds you did the work, not God. God just was there to give you the talent...? Where does my hard work come into play?

Ok sorry about the rabbit trail... but I have been realizing that I am very emotional and my spiritual life is very much affected by this fact. I need God to be my refuge, my strength, my base line, my rock I cling to where ever I am spiritually, mentally, or emotionally. I need to be consistent in my walk... I need to not fake my way through this... I need not be fake with people... I need to be open... I need to be more dependent on my heavenly father who wants to give me good things, who loves me and who is perfect.

This is especially true when i am doing well "on my own" for pride goes before the fall and man do i fall hard... like the saying goes the bigger or higher they are the harder they fall. I just need to put back into practice my disciplines. Prayer is coming along and i have aids to help me when i don't know what to say, reading the bible and studying it well I'm working on it... these things take time and i'm short on it because its the end of the semester... lame excuse I know but its what i tell my self to fell better, or try to make myself feel better, failing at the moment btw.  But I was able to go do the Lord's work Last night in the downtown section of a near by city just praying for the people of the city and talking with a couple and praying for them. Sowing seeds and just trying to show them love and life, eternal life. this was a wonderful experience, a wake-up call, and smack-upside-the-head all wrapped up into 5 hours of a friday night.... and i can't wait to do it again... well life keeps on ticking and a paper is waiting for me.... ugh but tonight is a movie night for a class hopefully it will be a good night.\

God Bless all of you and thank you for reading my thoughts i need to get out on paper.

A Series of Confessions: Dandelions

To have a full understanding of this post and the series it is apart of please read the Reason.

This is a post from last may:

Dandelions that flower that children see with great wonder full of perspective fun, hopes, and wishes. The weed that all home owners and groundskeepers dreads and hates.Yes that flower. as I write, instead of writing a paper, there is a field of dandelions outside my dorm room window. the past couple days it has been a bright yellow field, but yesterday it turned into a field of white puff balls just calling out to me to come and play. I have resisted thus far but I am weak due to finals week causing me to go insane.As I had the thought to run, dance, frolic, and/or play in this field of white I was reminded of two things:

When I was a child I remember always trying to get a full white dandelion with all the seeds intact and ripe for the picking and wishing upon. I would make my wish and blow with all my hope wishing for silly things and serious things, making sure to blow all the seeds into the air. Unfortunately,I did not always achieve getting the seeds in the air and sometime I cheated and pulled them off and threw them in the air hoping the rules of the dandelion were not broken. But I always find a new one and make a wish, often being scolded by my mother to not help the "evil weeds" spread. Despite however evil they were there was a magic about them, that to this day I still cannot put my finger on. I also remember once I caught a seed, we called them "wishies," in the air. At that my friend told me that I had just caught someone else's wish and could ruin their wish. At that I worried about the person and their wish, so I wished upon that wishy to allow the person-who-originally-wished-upon-it's wish to come true and released it.   

I was also reminded of my Favorite Five Iron Frenzy song, Dandelions. The awesome Ska band that was witty in lyrics and album tittles really hit home with me on this song even today. Dandelions tells a story of a boy who picks a bouquet of dandelions for his mother. His mother treasures this gift and places them in a vase; She saw Love where anyone else would have seen weeds. 

This is almost how I see myself at times, a child, not befitting a place in the Kingdom for I see my depravity and the evil with in me. Yet I try to give  my best to God and give him all my love. God also sees me for who I am and yet he still loves me. He also sees that I try as I offer up my dandelion offering to Him and chooses to see my love for Him rather than the weeds I give Him . As I mature in the faith I hope I can pick better flowers to present him but formerly the dandelion blossom expressed the virtuous idea of loyalty and faithfulness.So I guess Dandelions are not this evil weed and one could see the good in them.

Let me end with the song and lyrics used as a prayer:

Father God,

"Fathomless your endless mercy, 

Weight I could not lift, 

Where do I fit in this puzzle, 

What good are these gifts? 

Not a martyr or a saint 

Scarcely can I struggle through 

All that I have ever wanted, 

Was to give my best to you. 

Lord, search my heart, 

Create in me something clean. 

Dandelions- 

You see flowers in these weeds. 

Gently lifting hands to heaven, 

Softened by the sweetist hush, 

A father sings over his children, 

Loving them so very much 

More than words could warrent 

Deeper than the darkest Blue 

More than sacrafice could merit 

Lord,I give my heart to you, 

Lord, search my heart, 

Create in me something clean. 

Dandelions- 

You see flowers in these weeds."

Love, ME

A Series of Confessions: Summer Plans

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.


Summer breaks are always a time of freedom, fun, sun, beaches, pools, sleep, work, and on and on. A time were students don't have to worry about teachers and teachers don't have to worry about students. A time of heat waves, dancing in the streets, pool parties and graduation all wrapped up in a towel licking the ice cream cone in our hand. But what has anyone really accomplished over the summer? reading book(s), sleeping, movie watching, swimming, exercises. 


I plan to do all of this but more, i am planning to make my summer mean something, be a summer to remember. I want to grow and not waste my summer, but better yet start "writing a better story for myself." The following is how I am going to to do just that:

• I am working on deepening my relationship with Christ
• I plan to be Christ at the pool I work at where everyone is "christian" or agnostic
• I am apart of the College and Career group at church, continuing going to that
• This summer a bunch of guys at a Bible decided that instead of going through another book of the Bible over the summer we instead will do some street ministry down on South Street in Philly (Philadelphia). (I am going to be apart of that)
• I am going to work at a camp for a week to be Christ to the campers
• I am reading books both theological and fun to read.
• exercising and eating right

I hope this start to not waste my summer and hope to make lifestyle changes to allow me not to waste the rest of the summer.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this time off from school and for allowing this time and season to be enjoyed. I wonder at the sunsets and enjoy the ocean and its beaches. Please Lord please don't let this summer go to waste and may it be fruitful and a time of growth. I am pray for the people at my work, in south Philly, and the children at camp i will work with, may you work in their lives and allow me to be used in the process. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this. 

Love, ME

A Series of Confessions: O me, O my...

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.


Well in spite of "not having anything to post at the moment" I will post something.: A reflection if you will and a prayer. I had finished reading a book two months ago called O me of little faith by Jason Boyett. Also, in chapel on my campus there was a great speaker/pastor. He had spoke on counting trials, pain, and our "thorn in the flesh" pure joy. These two sermons with the addition of the book have caused me to think again. To think about how we as Christians who grew up in the church could be so hypocritical, lukewarm, cynical, and outright doubtful of things. I am one of those Christians; I am a bit cynical; I have doubts at times; I struggle and fail. Yet dispute all of this I am still Loved by God, one of His children, and a Christian. I'll put it this way, I am a passive-aggressive rebellious child of God, who every once and a while needs a reminder of the fact of the matter is still a Christian. This is kinda one of the reasons I want a Tattoo, but until that day comes I have been writing on my wrists with pen: on the left it says "Forgiven" and on the right "Loved". This allows me to see them and be reminded constantly that I am Loved and Forgiven by God and I am his; especially during the "face-palm" situations I have. I need to remember that I am a sinner saved by grace or how my pastor put it today in church, "I am a recovering hypocrite." 


So in light of that last paragraph over this past school year I have noticed some trends in my life and here are some of the findings. I find that when I am in a routine, getting enough sleep, low stress, and so on I tend to be a better person. I tend to deal better with people, and not be fake. I hate being fake, it makes me feel like I am an actor playing this character rather than a human being, living and breathing outside of the theater. It takes Shakespeare's quote "All the worlds a stage, And all the men and women merely players:" to a whole new  level. I almost feel like the actor in me never turned off. I have also realized that when I don't get sleep and I am stressed, I don't spend time with God and if it is is mediocre at best. At this point I start  depressed, cynical, and for lack of any other term, "Blarg." I need the very friends I push away and shut myself in a dark place away from others. I then feel alone and unwanted and unloved; I start to compare myself to who I want to be or to others and become a shell or a ghost of who I am and who I want to be. 


I Deal with these feelings of depression, being unloved, alone, and unwanted even in a room full of friends or people I know. I am human, broken and afflicted living in a broken world and both it and I have been marred by sin. Yet there is Redemption and Reconciliation. I am not alone at all; I am not unwanted or unloved. For One can never be too high to not need salvation and love nor can one ever be too low to receive salvation and love.


Dear Father,


You are great and mighty, you have laid the foundations of the earth and are the "cosmic-glue" that holds everything together. You know my heart, my deeds, and my thoughts and yet you love me anyway. Thank you for that. Thank you for your Son and that he died but also raised again that I too could be raised up and be apart of your Kingdom. I Pray for all those in the south who have lost their homes, loved ones, and livelihood. I pray for the pastors, allow them to care for your sheep there as you would. Please let the Christian Community rise up among these hurting people and show them Your love and Your Kingdom. "Lord, may Your Kingdom come and your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven," and may I be apart of your work.


Love, ME 

A Series of Confessions: Confessing

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.

I have started three post in this series and i have a problem finishing them. I find it hard confessing my thoughts, past problems in my life because of me and outside forces beyond my control. I have been churched my whole life growing up in a Baptist Church tradition where I learned the "great Christian Facade." I am guilty of "not caring" of what others think about me, well to a point. I am too used to playing the good little Christian boy part, and i feel sick of it... I want and long for being real, true, and transparent with a community of believers. I just have not found a group of that level yet, so until then i will try to be transparent to a point with some people. I had a couple groups of guys i could be real with in my life but they have come and gone. I have a mentor of sorts which has helped but I am looking for a core group of friends I can be real with for once with out scaring them off, or them "disowning me." Which bring me to the reason, the deepest reason I hate confessing who I am and what I have done, the fear that wreaks havoc in my soul and will haunt me till the day I die or am called Home: The Fear of Abandonment and Being Alone. There I "said" it. Its a start, of the slow process of change. I have changed my look by shaving off my beard and cutting my hair, its almost poetic in cutting off/removing  parts  i want to leave behind in the past and leave the baggage that goes with it there. I will re-open old scares on this process to allow them to heal. I will be real to a point and I may write posts you will never see, but i will confess them before God and self. Until we meet again, here is a start of confessions:

I am :

• a white middle-class suburban male
• a child of a broken home
• a person who has struggled  with depression and loneliness in silence
• a person who has dealt with sin on many levels
• a person who has dealt with uncertainty and doubt 
• Loved
• Forgiven
• A Child of God

Lent: An Apology & A Promise

Dear Blogging Community,

I apologize, I decided for lent I would give up Blogs/Blogging and didn't warn anyone. I apologize. In this time I got closer to God and had more free time for just random things like yoga (yes I know that i'm a heathen for doing yoga) deeper studies of God's word, prayer and relationships of people around me. I don't have much to discuss about what happened over lent but  I do promise to keep you informed about my anything that does come up. In addition I am going to start/finish the series of Blogs I promised entitled "A Series of Confessions" as soon as possible. It is just really hard to Dig deep into one's soul and then bear it for all to see on the internet especially since my Blog is linked to my Social Media Webpages.... *sigh* Well its 1 am and I am still up.... Bed time soon but i need to catch up on Blogs. Happy Easter Monday and God Bless.

LOVE, ME

So Live your life...

Are you living a great story with your life? from Donald Miller on Vimeo.


I finished this wonderful book by Donald Miller called A Million Miles In A Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life a while ago. This Book challenged me and also made me realize things in life. The book talks about a "good story"  and that fear hold us back from living out a good story. We also know, and he point out, that we as humans never hit a full climax with a resolution; we have mini-climaxes in our story building up to another story in our life; the story always moves forward. I want to live a good story so when the credits role people remember me and have good things to say. But I also have to remember that I am just an extra/supporting role charter in the grand scheme of things, in the story of this world. My life is a mini-series i guess and the rest of the movie is History. So I cannot point out my 10secs in the movie and say its about me; no it not about me or you its about Love, God and His Love. So I highly Suggest this book to you and any other Donald Miller Books... I plan to read another one of his books this summer.