A Series of Confessions: Summer Plans

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.


Summer breaks are always a time of freedom, fun, sun, beaches, pools, sleep, work, and on and on. A time were students don't have to worry about teachers and teachers don't have to worry about students. A time of heat waves, dancing in the streets, pool parties and graduation all wrapped up in a towel licking the ice cream cone in our hand. But what has anyone really accomplished over the summer? reading book(s), sleeping, movie watching, swimming, exercises. 


I plan to do all of this but more, i am planning to make my summer mean something, be a summer to remember. I want to grow and not waste my summer, but better yet start "writing a better story for myself." The following is how I am going to to do just that:

• I am working on deepening my relationship with Christ
• I plan to be Christ at the pool I work at where everyone is "christian" or agnostic
• I am apart of the College and Career group at church, continuing going to that
• This summer a bunch of guys at a Bible decided that instead of going through another book of the Bible over the summer we instead will do some street ministry down on South Street in Philly (Philadelphia). (I am going to be apart of that)
• I am going to work at a camp for a week to be Christ to the campers
• I am reading books both theological and fun to read.
• exercising and eating right

I hope this start to not waste my summer and hope to make lifestyle changes to allow me not to waste the rest of the summer.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this time off from school and for allowing this time and season to be enjoyed. I wonder at the sunsets and enjoy the ocean and its beaches. Please Lord please don't let this summer go to waste and may it be fruitful and a time of growth. I am pray for the people at my work, in south Philly, and the children at camp i will work with, may you work in their lives and allow me to be used in the process. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this. 

Love, ME

A Series of Confessions: O me, O my...

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.


Well in spite of "not having anything to post at the moment" I will post something.: A reflection if you will and a prayer. I had finished reading a book two months ago called O me of little faith by Jason Boyett. Also, in chapel on my campus there was a great speaker/pastor. He had spoke on counting trials, pain, and our "thorn in the flesh" pure joy. These two sermons with the addition of the book have caused me to think again. To think about how we as Christians who grew up in the church could be so hypocritical, lukewarm, cynical, and outright doubtful of things. I am one of those Christians; I am a bit cynical; I have doubts at times; I struggle and fail. Yet dispute all of this I am still Loved by God, one of His children, and a Christian. I'll put it this way, I am a passive-aggressive rebellious child of God, who every once and a while needs a reminder of the fact of the matter is still a Christian. This is kinda one of the reasons I want a Tattoo, but until that day comes I have been writing on my wrists with pen: on the left it says "Forgiven" and on the right "Loved". This allows me to see them and be reminded constantly that I am Loved and Forgiven by God and I am his; especially during the "face-palm" situations I have. I need to remember that I am a sinner saved by grace or how my pastor put it today in church, "I am a recovering hypocrite." 


So in light of that last paragraph over this past school year I have noticed some trends in my life and here are some of the findings. I find that when I am in a routine, getting enough sleep, low stress, and so on I tend to be a better person. I tend to deal better with people, and not be fake. I hate being fake, it makes me feel like I am an actor playing this character rather than a human being, living and breathing outside of the theater. It takes Shakespeare's quote "All the worlds a stage, And all the men and women merely players:" to a whole new  level. I almost feel like the actor in me never turned off. I have also realized that when I don't get sleep and I am stressed, I don't spend time with God and if it is is mediocre at best. At this point I start  depressed, cynical, and for lack of any other term, "Blarg." I need the very friends I push away and shut myself in a dark place away from others. I then feel alone and unwanted and unloved; I start to compare myself to who I want to be or to others and become a shell or a ghost of who I am and who I want to be. 


I Deal with these feelings of depression, being unloved, alone, and unwanted even in a room full of friends or people I know. I am human, broken and afflicted living in a broken world and both it and I have been marred by sin. Yet there is Redemption and Reconciliation. I am not alone at all; I am not unwanted or unloved. For One can never be too high to not need salvation and love nor can one ever be too low to receive salvation and love.


Dear Father,


You are great and mighty, you have laid the foundations of the earth and are the "cosmic-glue" that holds everything together. You know my heart, my deeds, and my thoughts and yet you love me anyway. Thank you for that. Thank you for your Son and that he died but also raised again that I too could be raised up and be apart of your Kingdom. I Pray for all those in the south who have lost their homes, loved ones, and livelihood. I pray for the pastors, allow them to care for your sheep there as you would. Please let the Christian Community rise up among these hurting people and show them Your love and Your Kingdom. "Lord, may Your Kingdom come and your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven," and may I be apart of your work.


Love, ME 

A Series of Confessions: Confessing

This post is in a series of posts; to understand The Reason(s) for these posts please click the hyper link.

I have started three post in this series and i have a problem finishing them. I find it hard confessing my thoughts, past problems in my life because of me and outside forces beyond my control. I have been churched my whole life growing up in a Baptist Church tradition where I learned the "great Christian Facade." I am guilty of "not caring" of what others think about me, well to a point. I am too used to playing the good little Christian boy part, and i feel sick of it... I want and long for being real, true, and transparent with a community of believers. I just have not found a group of that level yet, so until then i will try to be transparent to a point with some people. I had a couple groups of guys i could be real with in my life but they have come and gone. I have a mentor of sorts which has helped but I am looking for a core group of friends I can be real with for once with out scaring them off, or them "disowning me." Which bring me to the reason, the deepest reason I hate confessing who I am and what I have done, the fear that wreaks havoc in my soul and will haunt me till the day I die or am called Home: The Fear of Abandonment and Being Alone. There I "said" it. Its a start, of the slow process of change. I have changed my look by shaving off my beard and cutting my hair, its almost poetic in cutting off/removing  parts  i want to leave behind in the past and leave the baggage that goes with it there. I will re-open old scares on this process to allow them to heal. I will be real to a point and I may write posts you will never see, but i will confess them before God and self. Until we meet again, here is a start of confessions:

I am :

• a white middle-class suburban male
• a child of a broken home
• a person who has struggled  with depression and loneliness in silence
• a person who has dealt with sin on many levels
• a person who has dealt with uncertainty and doubt 
• Loved
• Forgiven
• A Child of God

Lent: An Apology & A Promise

Dear Blogging Community,

I apologize, I decided for lent I would give up Blogs/Blogging and didn't warn anyone. I apologize. In this time I got closer to God and had more free time for just random things like yoga (yes I know that i'm a heathen for doing yoga) deeper studies of God's word, prayer and relationships of people around me. I don't have much to discuss about what happened over lent but  I do promise to keep you informed about my anything that does come up. In addition I am going to start/finish the series of Blogs I promised entitled "A Series of Confessions" as soon as possible. It is just really hard to Dig deep into one's soul and then bear it for all to see on the internet especially since my Blog is linked to my Social Media Webpages.... *sigh* Well its 1 am and I am still up.... Bed time soon but i need to catch up on Blogs. Happy Easter Monday and God Bless.

LOVE, ME

So Live your life...

Are you living a great story with your life? from Donald Miller on Vimeo.


I finished this wonderful book by Donald Miller called A Million Miles In A Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life a while ago. This Book challenged me and also made me realize things in life. The book talks about a "good story"  and that fear hold us back from living out a good story. We also know, and he point out, that we as humans never hit a full climax with a resolution; we have mini-climaxes in our story building up to another story in our life; the story always moves forward. I want to live a good story so when the credits role people remember me and have good things to say. But I also have to remember that I am just an extra/supporting role charter in the grand scheme of things, in the story of this world. My life is a mini-series i guess and the rest of the movie is History. So I cannot point out my 10secs in the movie and say its about me; no it not about me or you its about Love, God and His Love. So I highly Suggest this book to you and any other Donald Miller Books... I plan to read another one of his books this summer.

A Series of Confessions: The Reason

This Past year I have learned a lot about myself; how i relate to myself, others and God. I have also learned about being real with people. These next series of posts I am going to be confessions of self, religion, thoughts, actions, and so on. These may dig up hard memories but part of living is acknowledging hurts and sharing them. I  am striving to be real, and real those around me. This is a step towards it. I am done with Facades and being fake. I am sick of.... just a lot of things and I need to express them. So the reason I started this blog was to put my thoughts out there; my confessions, convictions and contemplations. Here is a series of them that will just be that, nothing more or less. These are confessions of doubt and faith, love and hate and so on all based on the conviction of being real rather than an actor on a stage. This will also give me the opportunity to  contemplate things I have dealt with, am dealing with, and stuff I buried deep or put on the back burner. These post will be very "me-centered" and will be me preaching to myself. Therefore I apologize. Happy Days and God Bless you till we "meet" again on this blog to have a "conversation."

A Letter Home

Dear God, 

Thank you so much for your love and mercy and how you love me even in my sin. May I be moving forward, moving towards you and not backtracking; moving from my old self and the Pharisee I was and am now. May I work towards living with my thorn in my flesh and all the pain, suffering, and trials I face; May I count them joy. May I realize that I deserve Hell everyday and that anything else in this life or next is grace. Your Grace is enough, sufficient and all I need. May you teach me through any road, journey, or school you choose for me. I am wanting to be molded to your will, and the teaching of your son.Please Lord fill me, use me, and allow me to be used to glorify you by doing your work. Thank you for loving me and never giving up on me.


Love,
Me